Clinton takes secret ride in UFO!

Mike Kelley

September 22, 1993|By Mike Kelley

IN A WORLD filled with war and privation, it is always pleasant to be able to report that, in one area, at least, things are definitely improving.

That would be the realm of grocery-store tabloids.

For what seems years now, we have had to rely solely on the Weekly World News to deliver the kind of startling, amazing, space-based and occult revelations that are the tabloids' very reason for being.

For too long, the rest of the tabs have been sunk in a pit of witless celebrity worship, purveying articles no more stunning than that Liz finally has found a weight-loss program that works, or that Roseanne insulted a restaurant waiter somewhere.

Sadly, there is still far too much of that. The Globe, which once appeared to have promise in reporting the impregnation by space aliens of a milkmaid somewhere in the Balkans, has evidently given up even its faltering efforts. Most of its offerings are along the lines of Scott Baio is getting hitched to Baywatch beauty Pam. We all wish Scott and beauty Pam the very best in life, but fundamentally, this has nothing to do with your life or mine.

The Globe does offer a brief listing of what it purports to be "The 10 stupidest things ever said." Included in that is then-French President Charles de Gaulle's alleged comment that "China is a big country, inhabited mainly by Chinese." This is noteworthy in that it tells us that if de Gaulle had been alive in 1988, he probably would have received the vice presidential pick over Dan Quayle.

Anyhow, the good news is to be found in the National Examiner. There are definite signs of life here. Oh, the Examiner still bogs itself down with a bunch of sugary material such as "Screen heartthrob Mel Gibson's drop-dead gorgeous looks have been his lethal weapon to charm millions of moviegoers. But -- amazingly -- he feels a close link to the horribly disfigured character he plays in the current hit movie "The Man Without A Face." Right.

But the Examiner also scoops the pack by revealing that "Government space researchers are hiding a shocking secret about the disappearance of the Mars space probe. They purposely scuttled the costly mission because the ship had discovered a bustling city on the planet's surface!" According to this, the Martians said they do not want any interference from our end. They did say they'd be willing to hear from Ross Perot, because he talks exactly like they do on Mars. Well, that's not in the story, but I'm extrapolating.

It is tremendously exciting that the Examiner had the will to investigate this story and the courage to print it. Let us hope they realize how much better this serves the common good than stories about Mel Gibson, and give us more.

Yet, it is still to the reliable Weekly World News that we must turn if we wish truly to feast on matters unreported elsewhere.

The cover story is indeed terrifying: "Cruise Ship Vanishes in Devil's Triangle! Italian luxury liner sails into green fog with 1,530 passengers on board -- and never comes out!"

There is an actual photo of a cruise ship, so the fact of its disappearance can hardly be debated. My guess is that it was carrying members of the past several Italian governments. They have all disappeared without a trace and this seems a logical explanation.

You will be shocked to learn -- and again, Weekly World News keeps to its great tradition of supplying photographic documentation -- that "thousands of infants are being smuggled into the United States in hollowed-out watermelons." Federal agents are reported to be "frustrated." Apparently, this is not detrimental to the infants' health, for the chubby little tyke pictured sitting in a hollow melon looks none the worse for wear, except for being covered with watermelon seeds. We will learn more about this when the book "Melon Babies, America's Hidden Shame," comes out, it says here.

So a tip of the hat to Weekly World News for keeping bright the flame and a rousing cheer to the Examiner for finding some of that once-lost, old magic.

Mike Kelley writes for the Austin American-Statesman.

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