Things that make life slightly uncomfortable

MIKE ROYKO

September 17, 1993|By MIKE ROYKO

Gripes Column III. Relax, there's only one more to go.

"Doctors whose first act is to weigh you when you come in with a broken toe."

"People that don't have any children of their own but feel compelled to tell you how you should raise yours."

"An empty mailbox."

"When I accidentally start singing the Barney song out loud in public."

"Journalists such as Robert Novak and George Will who constantly criticize President Clinton but have neither the brains or the guts to offer possible solutions."

"I dislike having people change the entire meanings of famous quotations by saying that 'money is the root of all evil' and 'ignorance is bliss' when they should say, 'the love of money is the root of all evil' and 'when ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.' "

"Rock music critics. For the most part, they're a bunch of burned-out, aging hippies who are completely out of touch with the music and with rock fans as well."

"New-age-isms like, 'I'm perfect exactly as I am,' and 'You create your own reality' and 'You're exactly where you're supposed to be.' Translation: 'Hooray for me. And if you have a problem, it's your fault.' "

"Rappers who say their vicious, trashy lyrics are just 'reporting on the truth.' Child molesting, the KKK and scabies are also 'truth,' but no one's glorifying them."

"These d--- feminine movements. Stay home and take care of your kids."

"What would the media do without the words 'basically' and 'meanwhile'?"

"I wish these doves turned hawks would go to Bosnia and fight for their beliefs and quit trying to send my kids and your kids to fight there."

"Speaking as an Indiana driver, I'd like to share my gripe: speeders. Anybody can speed. All it takes is a big foot and a little brain."

"People who say 'he goes' or 'she goes' when they mean 'he said' or 'she said.' "

"Why do those stupid parents take their babies to the ball park? Don't they know the baby could get hit with a ball or a bat flying in the stands?"

"People who spout off their political opinions but do not 1) vote, or 2) avail themselves of all, or even some, of the facts which might possibly be learned by listening to an occasional news broadcast or picking up a newspaper every now and again. 'Duh, who's Hillary Clinton?' "

"People who complain about the way older people drive, yet do not consider that they, themselves, will one day be in that boat."

"The check-out lady who seems to hold me personally responsible for the fact that something I've purchased will not 'read' on the scanner. She'll keep running it across the scanner with a more disgusted look every time it fails to register."

"It gripes my butt no end to see grown men sitting in an eating place with their caps or hats on. One of the basic lessons I learned in good manners when I was growing up was to remove my cap when I sat down to eat, no matter whether it be in a fast food place or a more expensive restaurant. When I see men wearing their caps or hats while eating in a public place I automatically label them, in my mind, as being dumb."

"People who cough or sneeze into their hand and then reach to shake yours."

"People who drive around with a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker, and then when you honk, they shoot you the finger."

"Somebody telling you a joke you told that same person last week."

"My gripe is the words 'quality education,' as used by school board candidates who couldn't define it if it bit them in the tail."

L "Fruit punches, instead of booze, at receptions or parties."

"Tenured economics professors who tell us how wonderful it is that our jobs are about to be replaced by some Third World peasant making 10 cents an hour."

"Why do network TV reporters feel they are required to wear bush jackets or safari vests anytime they leave New York or Washington, D.C.?"

"I find my aggravation when I enter a fast food joint. I've discovered that even when I stand 100 feet from the counter and scan the menu board, I am still asked by the clerk if they can help me. I haven't decided what I want to eat yet. I think the next time I'll just respond with, 'When I make my decision, you'll be the first to know.' "

"Women who blow smoke out of the side of their mouth, 'sparing' the person they're facing. Do they care how ridiculous they look?"

"School food."

"A girl named Lisa who's trying to steal my man."

"People who feed the pigeons. I can't understand people who actually want to help these disgusting creatures."

"Why are some really boring and selfish women so proud that they neither cook nor clean, and why don't they live in cars or better yet, in caves?"

"Will someone please tell Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Richard Gere and Michael Douglas -- enough with the nude bodies, 'simulated sex acts' (Gawd!), foul language (the F-word is so commonplace now in movies we'll have to invent a new one to shock people with), and the perverted relationships. Somebody should tell these stars that they are nothing but flesh, bones and gloppy stuff, so keep your bloomers on."

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