Trumpeting the horn of plenty

Kevin Cowherd

September 13, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

First things first. Who are we? We're people. Helping people. Caring people.

People just like you, only cheaper.

Fine, fine. But who are we? We're The Price Place! America's No. 1 wholesale club! The smart place to shop in today's tough economic times.

Step into one of our spacious, airplane hangar-sized stores. What do you see?

Right! Rough concrete floors. Leaks in the roof. Busted windows. Rolls of un-used tar paper all over the joint.

Looks like a dump, right?

Right! But that's our secret. We're not hung up on appearances. We'd rather put our money into stock than deep-pile carpeting.

And we pass the savings on to you!

Now, what else do you see in our stores?

Right! Stuff. Lots of stuff. Car batteries. T-shirts. Appliances. Those little breath mints. Trampolines. Steaks. There might even be a few John Deere front-end loaders hanging around.

Our philosophy is simple: Buy a lot, save a lot! Buy even more, save even more!

So pick up a pallet of Rice Krispies.

A gross of Q-Tips.

A rack of Ocean Pacific windbreakers.

A dump-truck load of Cheez-Its.

A metric ton of dill pickles.

A freighter hull-full of computer paper.

We've got the best prices in town! We're The Price Place!

And we pass the savings on to you!

Now here's what you don't see at The Price Place.

No pain-in-the-neck sales people roaming the aisles. No smarmy ex-homemaker-rejoining-the-work-force bugging you every five seconds with a drippy: "Can I help you?"

Weren't they annoying? We thought so too! So we got rid of 'em! Fired every last one!

Struggling 21-year-old college students, 62-year-old widows on fixed income, 43-year-old middle managers on the rebound from 16-month layoffs, we didn't care.

Some of them broke down sobbing. Begged us to keep their jobs. "G'wan, get outta here!" we said.

So now our aisles are free of those pests!

Our payroll is free of them, too!

"Get it yourself!" is our motto. After all, you're an adult. You don't need to be led around by the hand.

And we pass the savings along to you!

Because we care! We're The Price Place!

Here's another way we help you save: You box your own purchases.

That's right. You bought it, you box it. Who do we look like? We're not your servants.

We're The Price Place! Helping people to help themselves!

Our customers ask us all the time: "With prices this low, how do you make any money?"

Hey, that's our business! Who are you with, anyway? The police? The feds? The Better Business Bureau? Do you have a subpoena? You don't scare us.

OK, are there any other advantages to shopping at The Price Place?

My, you ask a lot of questions! Aren't you the nosy one! But the answer is: You betcha!

One thing's for sure: you'll never go hungry at The Price Place! Our sample food stands are strategically located throughout our stores.

So try our chicken wings. Taste our frozen pizza. Sink your teeth into our tiny egg rolls.

Yuck, right? Ptooey, right? Go ahead. You can say it. You won't hurt our feelings. The food stinks, right?

Right! We know that! And we're proud!

See, we're not a five-star restaurant. We don't pretend to be! We put our money into stock, not salmon almondine.

Our watery diet colas, under-cooked hot pretzels and 3-day-old popcorn save us big bucks.

And we pass the savings along to you!

Because we care! We're The Price Place!

OK. Let's get to the bottom line. Exactly how much do you save at The Price Place?

Well, check out these prices!

A box of 64 frozen waffles for $2.98! Four hundred manila envelopes for $3.10. A pound of paprika, two for 89 cents! A container of orange juice the size of a grain silo for just $1.50!

"Fantastic!" you say? You're right!

We can tell you're our kind of customer!

Discriminating.

Adventurous.

Cheap.

Not afraid of a few downed power lines in the parking lot.

Or a few nails sticking out of a door jamb (hey, that's what they have tetanus shots for!). Or the occasional 400-pound light fixture that comes loose and crashes to the floor.

We like that! And we like you!

Who are we? We're The Price Place!

Haven't we been through this already?

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