Since when have doctors become 'practitioners?'

ROGER SIMON

August 16, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

I don't get it: If violent TV shows are supposed to make kids more violent, how come comedies don't make them any funnier?

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When did turquoise become teal?

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You read it here first: With so many partners now owning the team, the Orioles are going to have to add thousands of prime location "owners seats" at Camden Yards, forcing out longtime fans and creating riots next opening day.

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Two reasons to own a television set: Ed Feldman and Joe L'Erario of "Furniture on the Mend."

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If you ever get a watch that tells you the day of the week, you can never go back to a watch that doesn't.

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If Mickey Steinberg wants to be governor, he should resign as lieutenant governor without any further delay. Not only would it distance him from the Schaefer administration, but he could then say to voters: "Since I had no real duties, I could no longer in good conscience continue to accept a salary of $100,000 per year."

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William Hurt has never made a bad movie.

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Nothing is as soothing as wandering the aisles of a hardware store. Or as expensive.

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Vacation Travel Tip: In a hotel room with double beds, the bed farthest from the TV is always in the best shape.

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Any man who can iron will make someone a good husband.

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Now that grocery stores take credit cards I could do without cash entirely if it weren't for taxis, Burger King and McDonald's.

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Does anyone still own an electric knife? Why?

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When you go the beach, you suddenly realize why most people hate their feet.

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Is there any real difference between Poppycock and Fiddle Faddle?

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Does This Guy Know How to Kiss Mistletoe or What Dept.: Mark McNeely, veteran advertising executive who helped launch the Ford Taurus campaign at Ogilvy & Mather, recently told the National Society of Newspaper Columnists:

"Columnists are the Hong Kongs of the newspaper business -- islands of acerbic commentary and pulsating life among a gray mass. . . . You provide the emotional context and connection to the world for your readers. The new technologies can't offer that. . . . People are still looking for somebody to tell them what it all means."

And, by the way, I think the Taurus is a wonderful automobile and I encourage you to go out and buy a couple.

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They look awfully nice, but I don't believe anyone can get comfortable in a hammock. (Or get in and out without looking like an idiot.)

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If it seems like there are an awful lot of good movies this summer, it's because the old adage is true: Bad economic times bring good movies.

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More people caught being left-handed in public: Scott Turow, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Townsend.

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True Confessions: I have no desire to ride in a helicopter.

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When did doctors start calling themselves "practitioners?"

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Let me get this straight: NBC bid $401 million for the 1992 Olympics and lost $100 million on the deal.

This year, NBC increased its bid to a whopping $456 million to get the 1996 Olympics. But how does NBC expect to turn a profit?

By charging $1 million per person to buy the TripleCast?

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Inventions I Never Knew I Needed Until Now: Remote control ceiling fans. I'm lucky if I can find the remote to turn off the TV. So why would I want to search through the couch cushions in order to turn off the ceiling fan?

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OK, so I saw it on a T-shirt, but it's still true:

Stressed is desserts spelled backward.

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