Let's quit chewing the fat on TV's Rush Limbaugh


July 09, 1993|By MIKE ROYKO

A vile publication has arrived in the mail. It is so disgusting that I was about to throw it away.

But I won't. I believe it is my journalistic duty to hold it up to public scrutiny and expose it for what it is: subversive and un-American trash.

This contemptible 12-page newsletter is called the Flush Rush. And its sole purpose for existing is to ridicule one of the great patriots, philosophers and real classy guys of our time -- Rush Limbaugh.

You conclude that just by looking at the front page, where there is a crude cartoon of a laughing Mr. Limbaugh (I respect him too much to call him plain Rush) being flushed down a commode. But he appears to be stuck waist-deep because he is so plump.

That is a recurring theme of the magazine -- Mr. Limbaugh's rather large size. Shocking as it may sound, they mock him for being a bit overweight.

Which shows how little they really know about Mr. Limbaugh. At one time, he weighed about 330 pounds, which was a bit hefty for someone 6 feet tall who hates exercise. But he has trimmed down to a mere 280 pounds, which isn't much, unless he sits on you.

The publication justifies these gibes by saying he ridicules the appearance of others, such as Chelsea Clinton, the president's 13-year-old daughter. So if he can make fun of a child's looks, they can make fun of his ample bottom.

Of course, that is illogical. Although Chelsea is only 13, she is the daughter of the most powerful leader in the world, which makes her the most powerful 13-year-old in the world, and she sleeps in the White House every night.

In contrast, Mr. Limbaugh's father was never president and Mr. Limbaugh has slept in the White House only once. And that was when George Bush was president. President Clinton has not even invited Mr. Limbaugh over for a nap.

The magazine also sneers at Mr. Limbaugh because of his views about poor people. He believes, quite logically, that a person is poor because that person has little or no money. So if these people would just make an effort and become rich, they would no longer be poor.

Well, if that doesn't make perfect sense, I don't know what does.

But the anti-Rush magazine says Mr. Limbaugh is not qualified to pass judgment on all poor people because he has never been poor and doesn't know what it is like. And he doesn't understand that social and economic conditions, over which the poor have no control, can drive some people into poverty.

Once again, this shows how little this foul publication actually knows about Mr. Limbaugh.

The truth is, he didn't always make five or 10 million smackers a year.

Yes, he was once penniless, jobless without one asset to call his own. Not even a good pair of shoes or a shirt and tie. He couldn't afford to buy a cup of coffee, much less a heaping plate of beluga caviar, which he now likes to snack on.

Of course, this penniless condition occurred when he was a new-born baby. Fortunately, he had a father who was the biggest lawyer and Republican leader in his part of Missouri. And grandfather who was the U.S. ambassador to India. And he now has an uncle who was appointed to the federal bench by his hero, Ronald Reagan, who would be my hero, too, except he never made any of my kin a judge.

But the cruelest gibes of all are when they question Mr. Limbaugh's manhood.

First they do it by raising the question of why he wasn't drafted during the Vietnam War. They justify their nastiness by pointing out that he calls Clinton a draft dodger, so where does this kettle get off calling the pot black?

Once again, they don't have all the facts. Mr. Limbaugh says he had a painful knee when he was of draft age. And it is a lie that his influential family used their clout to help him duck military service.

(Besides, even if he didn't have a bad knee, he was very chubby in those days, and the Army sometimes turned fatties away because it wasn't worth the enormous effort required to turn a hopeless pudginess into a lean, mean fighting machine.)

An even lower blow, way below his lengthy belt, is when they ask why Mr. Limbaugh, who is in his early 40s, does not have any children, is not married and hardly ever goes out on dates with female persons.

They connect this to the fact that he frequently lashes out at ambitious, independent females, and says that feminists became feminists (he calls them feminazis) because they are homely.

The snide implication is obvious. He picks on women. And he doesn't date them. They even asked if any women would step forward and admit having shared his bed. So they are hinting . . . oh, you know what.

Well, for their information, he has been to bed with women. At least I think so. That's because he was married. Not once, but twice.

Unfortunately, both marriages went ka-boom, and he says he now is too busy being a media giant to be playing kissy-face with a member of the opposite sex.

There is more vile stuff. A lot of it. But space limitations and my revulsion preclude my revealing more.

But if you would like to see how low a publication can get, you can send $13.95 to Flush Rush Quarterly, P.O. Box 270525, San Diego, Calif. 92198.

That will get you four issues. You can specify whether you want the first two issues, which have already been published, and the next two, or you want to start with the next issue.

Don't let your children see it. And after you read it, burn it. That is the least we owe this wonderful man.

Baltimore Sun Articles
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.