When a babe marries a geek, there's still hope


July 05, 1993|By MIKE LITTWIN

I hate to admit this, but it has recently become clear to me that women are much deeper than men.

Or how else do you explain this Lyle Lovett-Julia Roberts deal?

Julia Roberts is, of course, beautiful. It's pretty much official. They don't star you in a movie called "Pretty Woman" if anyone is likely to confuse you with, say, a pastrami sandwich.

She is, to use the technical term, a babe.

But she's so much more than that. Here you've got this glamorous woman who, face it, could have any guy she wants. And, in fact, if you read the tabloids, she has. There's a very good reason for that. Every time she's on a movie set, it turns into "STUDS," in which leading men -- shallow, shallower and shallowest -- keep trying to win her affections.

Sure, she's been tempted. Once she was forced to leave Kiefer Sutherland at the altar when suddenly she knew she wanted more in a man than just a pretty face and a weird first name.

Yeah, she ran away with Kiefer's buddy, Jason Patric, about 12 minutes before the wedding was supposed to start, which can happen. OK, she was confused. She dumped him, too.

But when she finally does get married, she goes for Lyle Lovett, often described as wittily-intellectual-for-a-country-singer. He's also described -- I'm sorry -- as looking exactly like a No. 2 pencil. The movie he should have starred in would be "Eraserhead."

You've seen him (and if you haven't, wait for this week's People, which is running with this wedding like it was Watergate). He's got this clump of hair piled on his head like so much loose-leaf lettuce, and even he says, "It's like this: The more people notice my hair, the less they notice my face."

The nice way to describe his face is to say it has character. In high school, they just settled for geeky.

This means we've got a situation wherein if you were to see Lyle and Julia walking down the street (where she's the kind of woman you'd like to meet), you're thinking to yourself, "That guy must really be rich."

But she's rich.

She didn't marry him for his money. It couldn't have been for his music, could it? I don't see Julia in cowboy boots unless they do a remake of "Nashville."

She married him because, because, because . . . he's got a good sense of humor? A wonderful sense of irony? He makes her feel like a natural woman? He may not be a movie star, but when it comes to being happy, they are?

You see? Deep.

I love her for this. Because if someone who looks like Julia Roberts can fall for someone who looks likes Lyle Lovett, that gives all men hope.

It could be us next.

Why not?

Maybe some beautiful women really do fall for men because of their sense of humor. Put it this way, it's easier to buy Morey Amsterdam's "1,001 Ways to Make a Woman Laugh" than it is to turn yourself into Tom Cruise.

Men, on the other hand, are not deep. They're as deep as rutting dogs. I'm waiting for the first male person to ask: "Don't you think he cheapened himself by marrying someone for her looks?"

In fact, according to Star, which is the grocery-line standard for journalism, Lovett dumped 23-year-old college student Alison Innman to marry Roberts, whom he met on the set of "The Player." Dumping Innman, described as his longtime love, may not have been a deep act, or even wittily intellectual.

Innman said: "I felt a pain stabbing through my heart . . . I mean we're talking Julia Roberts here . . . There goes my life out the window."

I'm only sorry Roberts has to hear this. Although she may dump him when she does. Giving hope to Jason Patric. And maybe you.

Famous hunky guys do not marry whatever the female equivalent of Lyle Lovett would be. As an example, when Warren Beatty finally fell, it was for Annette Bening, who's got a smolder that could melt a lawyer's heart.

But Marilyn Monroe married Arthur Miller, who is the role model for all male writers. Not only does he write one of the five best American plays of all time, he also marries Marilyn.

Why did the intellect marry the sexpot?

Because she was there.

Also because, and I think this is a direct quote from Miller: "Marilyn had a deep, pure intelligence that, although not always readily apparent, became obvious after about 200 times in the sack. Wink."

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