Quote, unquote

Art Buchwald

June 28, 1993|By Art Buchwald

VACATION time is here and, as is my usual practice, I am providing some ways for you to get attention from summer acquaintances.

Every time the president nominates me for a government position, he asks me to withdraw my name.

I saw Hillary at a health conference last week, and she said that I had never looked better.

Chelsea gave my daughter her peanut butter sandwich at lunch and my daughter gave Chelsea her Swiss cheese on rye in exchange -- now they're close friends.

I always pay Social Security taxes for my domestic help just in case Ralph gets an appointment to the federal bench.

I would rather have a gay son willing to serve in the Army than a heterosexual one who refuses.

Dr. Kevorkian is now our family doctor.

The Chippewas give you a better payoff on their slot machines than the Apaches.

If David Gergen can't save this country, then the country isn't worth saving.

We were going to buy a Gulfstream private plane but decided to purchase a baseball player instead.

I saw Robert Redford talking to my wife, and whatever he said he got her attention.

If they raise the price of gas by 4 1/2 cents, we're going to sell our Ferrari.

Victor thinks that Sharon Stone's ears are too tiny.

We had a fun evening with Al Gore.

The last time I cut my husband's hair I charged him $200.

We weren't invited to the Japanese crown prince's wedding, but we'll send them the Tupperware anyway.

Just because a Bosnian Muslim is going to meet a Serb doesn't necessarily mean that somebody is about to have a nice day.

We would go to the White House more often, but Charlie is allergic to cats.

I'd rather have Connie Chung tell me about the European Community than Dan Rather.

My son has been elected social director of the Navy's Tailhook Association.

I love to book my trips through the White House Travel Office.

How is the Supreme Court going to get a winning softball team if they keep appointing women to the bench?

My daughter loves to cook but hates being a genetic engineer.

We had dinner on Continental Airlines, and every dish was a work of art.

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