Most alarming new trend: bungee jumping for elderly

ROGER SIMON

June 14, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

Since all babies are cute, why aren't all adults?

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If men had had to wear stockings, pantyhose would have been invented decades earlier.

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I have yet to see a television show that equals the adventure, humor, and romance of "Spin and Marty."

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Until I visited one of those upscale kitchen gadget stores, I never realized I needed an avocado peeler.

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I am still new to gardening, but I think I have this correct: You should plant one vine for each tomato you want, right?

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If Maj. Gen. Harold N. Campbell actually told an audience in the Netherlands that Bill Clinton was "gay-loving," "pot-smoking," "draft-dodging," and "womanizing" then Campbell should be court-martialed immediately. It doesn't matter if Bill Clinton is all those things. You let generals attack presidents in public and the next thing you know the generals will be plotting coups. General Campbell does have the right of free speech. Which he can enjoy to the fullest extent in civilian life. After he gets out of the stockade.

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Nothing smells better than a fire made with pinon wood.

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Right up there with the Fountain of Youth, there is nothing harder to find than the gas tank on a rental car.

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I couldn't possibly get up to $200 for a haircut even if the barber charged me a dollar a hair.

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Men who wear shoes without socks have never really grown up.

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Bumper sticker of the month: "U.S. Out of North America!"

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Why do graffiti criminals think anybody cares what's on their tiny minds?

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I don't understand why, in this age of high technology, we still need water towers.

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Las Vegas a family vacation town? Yeah, if your 9-year-old happens to shoot craps.

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Temporary tattoos are going to change my life forever.

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I knew when I saw Orrin Hatch on TV wearing a loud print tie that the trend was over. Back to stripes, everybody!

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Latest fad among the rich and famous: Swigging Chateau Margaux straight from the bottle.

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Remember when people actually dressed up to fly on a plane? Now they look like they're about to do yard work.

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Never trust a thin chef.

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Most alarming new trend: Senior citizen bungee jumping.

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Never marry a man who spends more time getting dressed in the morning than you do.

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I'll take auction pinochle over bridge any day.

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If your wife threw out the box that her engagement ring came in, you're marriage will not last. (If she threw it at your head, you're really in trouble.)

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You're getting old if you can no longer remember your first phone number.

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More famous people who are left-handed: Jerry Seinfeld, Keanu Reeves, Bart Simpson.

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My last garage bill was $410 and there was nothing wrong with my car. How about Hillary tackling that as soon as she's finished with health care?

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Yet another reason that cats are better than dogs: Cats don't bark at night.

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Another million-dollar idea I am giving away for free: Videotape cameras in eyeglass stores so you can see what you look like in new frames without scrunching up your face to within a quarter inch of the mirror.

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If you own cowboy boots, but don't own a horse, you are just kidding yourself.

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