It's Not Alma Mater Anymore

DANIEL BERGER

June 05, 1993|By DANIEL BERGER

It is time to revisit the (purely mythical) Composite University, where ivory is no longer politically correct even in towers. The dread ivy blight has laid bare the walls.

Under pressure from all sides, President Glinch is bailing out, joining the Clinton administration as Adviser on Nonscientific Research.

It is not clear that Glinch can be confirmed. While a young scholar, he plagiarized Abraham Lincoln denouncing the Mexican War. This youthful indiscretion has come back to haunt him. Senator Helms demands to know how such an obvious security risk can be trusted as czar of nonscience.

Meanwhile, Glinch is pilloried for supporting the charge of several drunk female scholars that a fellow student who called them ''black rhinoceres'' was racist. White rhinoceres, the male freshperson allegedly said, are beautiful.

Nu Nu Nu Nu fraternity was suspended for burning a cross at David Duke House and selling pornography in the basement for charity. The ACLU sprang to its defense with a denunciation of discrimination against Greeks.

At Co-op dining hall, Nude Crew cleans up after pizza on Friday nights. Co-opers drawing this assignment wear no clothes under the obligatory apron.

In a major policy reversal, Composite U. has abandoned need-blind admissions. The Priorities Committee produced a study showing family wealth to be a more reliable predictor of persistence to graduation than SATs.

The director of athletics resigned after Composite was caught giving an illegal scholarship to a member of the jousting team. Women jousters are livid. None has one.

To keep the money-losing football program alive, Composite abolished women's varsities in Scottish country dance and kick-boxing.

''The charge of gender discrimination is absurd,'' Provost Pompous said. ''We are sensitive to the physical needs of our women students, and have added two places to the cheer-leading squad.''

The team name, Raging Bulls -- so beloved of alumni -- was dropped as sexist. This ends the debate on whether to call women's teams the Lady Bulls or Raging Cows. Now the campus is fighting over whether to rename them all the Lorax, or Fighting Lorax.

Controversy engulfed Composite after the rap group, Hate Hate Hate, performed, shooting live victims on stage with real bullets. The civil police SWAT team was summoned, provoking a riot, after a report of a suspicious looking man on campus, who proved to be the dean of minority affairs and unarmed.

An anonymous article in the Malcolm X Journal denounced white Satan and was burlesqued in an anonymous satire sheet, which was publicized in the Daily Dope, which was confiscated by the Malcolm X Collective.

As a result, most people are suing each other and nobody knows what's at the movies.

The Student Moderate Club was decertified by the Board of Approved Activities for insensitivity toward extremists, and is feared to have gone underground.

Meanwhile, the state legislature trimmed Composite's subvention by one-third and told the university to trim the fat. So it abolished the history department. ''Nobody before 1960 was correct, anyway,'' said the Faculty Committee on Relevance.

Mathematics has been retained on probationary status. ''If mathematics cannot produce nerds who look like the country,'' according to the Committee, ''mathematics has failed.''

A rowdy demonstration at 3 a.m. demanded that math be replaced by Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Studies.

Bitter backbiting broke out in the Alchemy Department. A full-time adjunct charged that the chairman's field notes from Atlantis were fabricated, on the ground that Atlantis is known not to exist.

The general faculty deplored her gross ignorance of scientific method, and indignantly denied that awarding tenure only to males was anything more than coincidence.

With 82 professors under investigation for racist, sexist, classist, ablist, lookist or IQist remarks and 73 for sexual harassment, the faculty suspended all contact with students, particularly intellectual.

Any lectures that cannot be delivered by a teaching assistant from Kyrgyzstan who has passed a proficiency test in Pidjun will be sent in on video tape.

This may be the last biennial report on the wholly fictional Composite U., which bears no resemblance to any real place. Absent grant replenishment, these investigations cannot be replicated.

Daniel Berger writes editorials for The Baltimore Sun.

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