Exasperation in 25 easy steps

Kevin Cowherd

May 21, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

Assembly instructions for your new portable propane grill model 22L33-A:

Geez, it's like the blueprint for a Trident submarine!

1. Place both side frame assemblies on sides and join as shown (Diagram A), using two side straps, two screws and wing nuts.

Say what?

2. Tap four tube plugs into upper leg ends.

Tube plus, tube plugs . . .

3. Set tank support bracket inside lower edge of side straps using holes shown in detail. Secure bracket to strap from below with four self-tapping screws.

So I just take this screwdriver and . . . YEOW! Punched a hole in my thumb!

4. Position two front panels between front legs on frame assembly. Turn bottom panel with notched edge placed onto side strap.

Losing a lot of blood here. . .

5. Attach three midtray planks on top of side straps. Secure to large holes with six plastic push-in fasteners.

Room's starting to spin.

6. Attach two wheels to left legs (Diagram B) with two bolts, washers and hex lock nuts. Repeat for opposite wheel.

Hope this tourniquet holds.

7. Mount the control panel to front legs with four screws (Diagram C.)

Maybe a shot of brandy to calm me.

8. Attach valve behind control panel. Press control knobs onto two valve stems.

Maybe one more shot, just for good luck.

9. Attach grill lid to grill bottom (Diagram C) with two clevis pins and two hair pins.

Knew a girl named Clevis once. Or maybe it was Mavis. Great gal. Had thish little dog named Bushter. Met her when I worked as a tarbender. Bartender. Whatever. You know what I mean.

10. Align the tabs on venturi tubes with notches of large openings in burner.

L Reminds me of a song: Venturi Highway, in the sunshine . . .

L 11. Slide burner gas collector plate over the venturi tubes.

Where the days are longer, the nights are stronger than moonshine . . .

12. Install the burner assembly into grill bottom (Diagram D) using care not to damage the ceramic electrode.

For God's sake, man, get a hold of yourself!

13. Attach towel bar assemblies to the front of each side cart frame with self-tapping screws.

OK, couple of deep breaths . . .

14. Set two-piece rock grates on lowest grate supports in grill bottom.

Whew. Almost lost it there for a minute.

15. Spread lava rock evenly onto grates.

Let's see . . . lava rock . . .

16. Insert left long wire of warming rack onto left side hole in lid. Insert right side.

Take this Phillips head and . . . DAMN! Punctured my wrist!

17. Slide 1/4-20 retainer nut onto the end of cylinder bracket aligning holes.

My God, look at the blood! Did that hit an artery?!

18. Thread a 10-32 shoulder screw into the lower center hole in the left casting mount bracket.

Somebody call a priest.

19. Position the cylinder inside the grill cart so that bottom ring rests in cylinder support notches.

Gotta be more careful with these tools.

20. Insert hex head bolt on grill mounting bracket through the cylinder bracket. Slide bracket onto cylinder collar and secure with a thumb screw.

Then again, you're talking about a guy who can barely work a shower curtain.

21. Congratulations! Your new portable propane grill is now fully assembled!

Wanna bet?

22. Used properly, it will provide hours and hours of cooking pleasure!

I turn the gas on now, this thing'll blow like Mount St. Helens

23. If you should require further assistance . . .

Know anything about gangrene? Wrist's turning black.

24. Call toll free: 1-800-416-2700.

Whew, vision's getting blurry. Is it me, or is it cold in here?

25. Or see your nearest authorized dealer!

I . . . I'm moving through a long, dark tunnel now. A strange light glows at the end of the tunnel. And now someone in long. flowing robes is motioning to me.

"Come," he says.

"But I'm not ready!" I say.

Maybe if I give the kid next door a few bucks, he'll put this thing together for me.

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