Where is Jerk Heaven? Why use bar napkins?

MIKE ROYKO

May 14, 1993|By MIKE ROYKO

I put together some readers' gripes after my colleague Bob Greene did a series of heartwarming columns on what made people happy. I believe in journalistic balance.

Let the venom flow:

The guy at the Y who shoves the community hair dryer between his toes. Yuck.

I live in absolute Jerk Heaven, Jacksonville, Fla. -- home of world-class ignorance and pettiness, where they gun you down on the freeway. A land of Bible-thumping, bungee-jumping and homeboy-humping, where 10th-graders think Eisenhower wrote the Gettysburg Address, and pedestrians think "Don't Walk" is an advertisement for the bus company. So many jerks, and so little time.

The burnt-out phrase "wake-up call."

People who hold elevator doors open so they can stand there and gab.

Husbands who never show affection unless it is a prelude to sex.

Whatever happened to the fine sound of the glass being set down on the mahogany bar top? But no, you've got to keep your napkin under your glass. Come on, let's get normal again!

Brainless bimbos on the Leno show. I caught this the other week. Leno asks the airhead what her current movie was all about. Replies the bimbo, "About love and all that."

Blond mustaches on men. On women, too, for that matter.

White House briefings by the strange little Munchkinopoulos. (Every sophomore class forever had one of these.) A strange musty smell, dirty fingernails, jerky little steps and a tendency to jump at sudden noises. They all worked at the A&P during summer vacations and our dads wondered, sometimes, why we didn't work there, too.

People who use the Bible to justify prejudice.

I detest people who write letters to the newspaper that are liberally sprinkled with Bible references. Am I supposed to get out my Bible and hunt up all these verses, thereby double-checking their research?

Green, fuzzy things in the refrigerator.

People, mostly men, who ask any working women in an office, "Are you a secretary?"

Mike Kinsley's right eyebrow, beady eyes, flared nostrils, tortured brow and pointy finger.

I just HATE to see men and women walking down the street, picking their teeth with a toothpick. I want to yank it out of their mouth, grind it in the sidewalk and slap their teeth out!

People who order a grilled cheese sandwich in a restaurant. If dTC your tastes are such that this sandwich pleases you -- eat at home. You have no business going out to eat.

I have a hatred of all people who overuse the expression, "you guys." I am not a guy. I am a female and I would prefer to be treated as a lady.

When I'm always the first one to go broke in a Monopoly game. Finally, I win a game, but feel rotten because it's against my grandkids.

People who raise their voices at the end of a conversation, as though asking a question, when in fact they are not.

I see red whenever I hear the

word "shortfall." Whatever happened to shortage or deficit? Who was the idiot that first coined the word?

Too many malls and stores littering the American scene.

People who walk their nasty little ankle-biter-type dogs off leash. These fur-bearing cockroaches think nothing of coming up and snapping and snarling at my leashed Doberman.

Phrases from HELL: "At this point in time," "Gimme five," "Slam dunk," "Gridlock." "Sleeping together," "African American," "Native American," "Asian American" and "Hey, man."

Fat people, after eating an enormous meal, who moisten their finger in their mouth to pick up the crumbs on the table from their meal, then stick their finger in their mouth to suck off the crumbs. Do they REALLY need those crumbs? I don't want their spitty finger on my table.

Anyone who puts their lighted cigarette out on the ground or throws it out the window of a moving car. They should be forced to eat cigarette butts and ashes for a week.

Women who smack their kids in public for simply touching something. They should be punched in their own fat mouths.

Dallas Cowboy bandwagoners. I'm not a Cowboy fan and I never will be.

"State of the art." What the hell does that mean? Modern? Then why not just say "modern"?

The ignorance of people who see skin color before they see a person.

"Baby on Board" signs -- like I'm debating whether or not to plow into the car ahead of me, but since it has a "Baby on Board" sign, I'll let it go.

Heavy men who wear their pants halfway down their backsides and expose half their butts when they sit.

Weather forecasters who tell you how COLD it is in the winter, how HOT it is in the summer and how WET it is in the spring. Like we don't know about the seasons?

Parents who are martyrs.

Smug, condescending, fake-liberal baby boomers who think I'm hopeless because I'm too young to have lived through the '60s.

Animal rights activists, by definition. Wake up, people. A caterpillar is not the same as a human being.

People who dismiss anything that isn't bigoted or simple-minded as "liberal."

One more generation of ugly, mindless, malicious children may very well bring on total chaos.

The TV idiots who waste time watching America's Queen of Slobs, Roseanne Arnold, and Rush-Him-Off-The-Planet Limbaugh.

Women driving to work in the morning doing around 65 mph, while putting on makeup. They will look good for the ambulance crew and the mortician.

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