Welcome, kids, to Amy Fisher's World

Art Buchwald

May 12, 1993|By Art Buchwald

TERRY Korth rushed into my office holding a set of blueprints. "I think I've got it. Amy Fisher has made a bundle from books and television, but she has just skimmed the surface when it comes to cashing in on her crime."

Terry unrolled the blueprint on my desk. "What do you think of opening up Amy Fisher World -- an amusement park for kids who want to knock off their boyfriends' wives?"

"Well, at least you're dealing with a household name."

"Over here I would have a shooting gallery where people could practice firing their pistols. Next to it would be the Joey Buttafuoco Motel."

"Is Buttafuoco the husband of the woman who drove Amy wild with jealousy?"

"That's him. Amy says that he was her lover and Joey says that he hardly knew her. He's being held for statutory rape of Amy, and we'll feature that in the Beauty and the Beast Pavilion.

"Over here we'll sell Amy's books and copies of the clothes she wore when she shot Mrs. Buttafuoco. Down here we'll build a replica of the jail that I've dubbed Heartbreak House. It's where Amy was held. You can get your picture taken behind bars for a dollar."

"Is that a strip joint over there?"

"Yeah, Joey wanted Amy to be a stripper. So it fits in well with the rest of the park.

"This is the Joey Buttafuoco ride. It's similar to the roller coaster at Coney Island."

"Is that a lion in the cage?"

"Yes. If you remember, during the trial the judge called Amy a wild animal. We thought we would include a real wild animal that the people could compare her to. Over here is the Amy Fisher Shakespeare Theatre where we'll re-enact the trial."

"It's quite impressive," I told Terry.

"We want to give the customers their money's worth. We will even have on display the gun that Amy used to shoot Mary Jo."

"Didn't she buy the gun from Peter Guagenti?"

"Yes, she did. After the shooting Amy was arrested and her friends ratted on her. We'll call the building the Squealers Pavilion. It will feature big air mattresses and visitors will be able to jump up and down on them and squeal to their heart's content.

"Over here next to the Amy Fisher Doll House is a tent where you can hear recordings of Amy's voice. In the back is the auction house where Amy's memoirs are up for sale."

"You have everything covered," I said admiringly.

Terry continued, "We're going to have someone dressed like Amy walking around with a pistol posing for pictures with the visitors. We also are planning to build a conference center where people can discuss whether Buttafuoco did or did not make love to our star."

"Maybe you could call it Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Will Amy share in the profits?"

"Fifty percent," Korth said. "What good is it to shoot somebody if you can't get a piece of the action?"

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