Hey, Clinton fans, let's talk about your last 100 days

ROGER SIMON

April 30, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

I don't want to be petty about this, but every story you have read about Bill Clinton's first 100 days in office has been a fraud, a fake and a phony.

Bill Clinton's first 100 days do not end until noon today. So anybody who has written an analysis before today has not been giving Clinton a fair chance.

Work it out for yourself: Clinton took his oath of office at noon on Jan. 20. And at 12:01 p.m., he turned to Hillary and said: "You think this gays in the military thing is going to be controversial? Because if it is, I'll skip it."

"Nobody will even notice," Hillary replied. "Everybody will be too busy thanking you for making Zoe Baird the attorney general."

So by my calendar, Clinton gets until noon today to pull off a stunning upset and confound all the weasels who have been writing nasty appraisals of him.

Because if there is any rule of journalism I have tried to follow over the years it is this:

Wait until a man is actually down before you start jumping on him.

And before we pass judgment on Clinton, I think we all should consider carefully what he said in his Inaugural Address:

"There may be difficult days ahead. The skies may be cloudy or bright. But remember: I'm the only president you've got, you poor bastards!"

OK, so maybe he cut that last part out. But that's what Chelsea had in her original draft.

So what's the point of all this? The point is because Clinton is not yet finished with his first 100 days, it is not fair to write any stories analyzing him.

Instead, we should all sit down and examine our own last 100 days and how we did on the five top issues that have faced our president:

1. Health Care -- I have been feeling a little run down during the last 100 days, to tell you the truth.

I figured it was either a cold or chronic fatigue syndrome. Since my health insurance doesn't cover chronic fatigue syndrome, I decided it was a cold. So I called my doctor.

What would you take for a cold? I asked.

"What are you offering?" she said.

So I went in for a physical.

You want me to take off my clothes? I asked.

"Sure," she said, "I haven't had a good laugh all day."

She finished examining me and came up with her diagnosis.

"You're ugly," she said.

I want a second opinion! I said.

"OK, you're stupid, too," she said.

We really have to do something about health care in this country.

2. Gays in the military -- Critics say the real problem is showers.

The solution: One shower for straight men. One shower for gay men. One shower for gay women. One shower for straight women. One shower for bisexual men. One shower for bisexual women. One shower for people who haven't decided what they are yet, but are keeping an open mind. And one shower for people who just want to get clean and don't care who sees them.

We will need each and every one of these showers at each and every military base, camp, outpost and ship.

And I figure the military will be able to afford all these showers only if we sell off all the guns.

3. Throwing out the first pitch -- I worry about throwing out the first pitch of the baseball season should I become president. The critical decision is whether you throw it from the pitcher's mound or not.

A pitcher's mound is 60 feet 6 inches from home plate. That is a long way to throw a baseball if you are not a kid anymore.

George Bush bounced it from there. Bill Clinton didn't bounce it, but he cheated by standing several feet in front of the mound.

So I wonder: If I become president, will I have the strength to throw the ball from the pitcher's mound?

Second question: By the time I become president, will I have the strength to climb the pitcher's mound?

4. The national debt -- The nation's debit is over $4 trillion and while my personal debt is a lot less, I worry about mine more.

Am I being selfish?

Should I stop paying my bills and send money to the federal government to help pay off the debt?

And if I do, how can I be sure the money will go for the debt and not to pay for jelly doughnuts for Ted Kennedy?

5. Al Gore -- We've got to find something for Al Gore to do in the second 100 days. Windows, maybe?

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