Once more, Grandma, about the blizzard

Art Buchwald

March 23, 1993|By Art Buchwald

SO, Grandma, tell us again about the blizzard of '93."

"It was the pits. Some called it the storm of the century -- the snow fell for two days and the drifts were so high that we couldn't get out of the house for a week."

"When did you announce that you were going to kill your children?"

"It could have been on the third or fourth day. I didn't say that I would kill all of them -- just three out of five."

"Which ones?"

"The ones who had used up all our candles and flashlight batteries two weeks before the blizzard during a satanic rite they held in the basement."

"You must have been really mad."

"Not as mad as your grandfather was when he discovered that your Uncle Fred had taken his new car without permission and abandoned it in a ditch on Route 123."

"What did Grandpa do?"

"He said that he was going to strangle your Uncle Fred. I warned Grandpa that if we killed all the children there wouldn't be anyone left to take care of us in our old age."

"Good thinking, Grandma. When did you want to kill the dog?"

"When he jumped through the kitchen window to chase a squirrel that was standing on a snow drift looking in."

"It must have been freezing."

"It was. We all put on our coats and gloves, and I made chicken soup by scrounging up everything I could find. That's when I wanted to kill your Aunt Joanie. She said that she didn't like chicken soup and she would rather have cream-of-leek soup instead."

"Is it true that Grandpa didn't talk to anyone for three days?"

"He didn't talk to us, but he barked at everyone. The electricity was off so we didn't have television. Grandpa was very upset because he missed the Lakers-Celtics basketball game. He wanted to kill the managers of the electric company and the cable company at the same time."

"Did everyone really want to kill Uncle Oscar?"

"No question. Uncle Oscar was 5 at the time and had taken Aunt Dottie's doll. I told Oscar to give it back, but instead he threw it into the toilet. That stopped up the toilet so nobody could go to the bathroom for the rest of the week."

"Did anyone want to kill you, Grandma?"

"Probably. You have to remember that the snow was falling six inches every hour so people were really getting on each other's nerves. The children were even threatening to kill each other over who landed on Boardwalk or Park Place.

"On the fourth day I locked up all the sharp utensils in the house because I had no idea how long we would be stuck together.

"It was then that your Uncle Robbie, who was 7, shoveled snow from the roof into the master bedroom, and your grandfather demanded the key to the drawer where all the knives were kept."

"What was the worst part of the blizzard?"

"When we ran out of cat food and the cat started to eat the dog food, and the dog tried to kill the cat."

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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