Mide is differet frub ebbrybody else's

Russell Baker

March 11, 1993|By Russell Baker

I HAVE a cold. Or, to state it orally, I hab a code.

Like all my codes, it is absoludely fascinatig. Would you like to hear about it?

No, you say.

I caddot hear you, because you are way out there gettig your hands dirdy width a newspaper page while I am way id here alode width my word processor.

Still I know you are sayig, "No, we dote want to hear about your code. We want you tellig us disgustig thigs about Serbs in Bosdia. Or scarig us widless about terror bombigs. Or writig somethig mead about Hiddary Cliddid."

To you I say, "Bah, hubbug." You dote want to hear about my code because you thigk it is dull like your code. You are thigkig, "So this guy has a code, and so what? Eddybody cad get a code and ebbrybody does three or four tibes a year."

Well let me ted you supthig else ebbrybody cad do two huddred tibes a year if he is a dewspaper coddumist. He cad ted you Bill Cliddid is a pridce amug med, or he cad ted you Bill Cliddid just wote do.

That's whad dull is, my freds. The reasod you thigk my code is dull is because your owed persodal codes are dull. I know. You hab tried to tell me about theb id the past.

Add boy oh boy, were those codes ub yours ebber dull! I had to ted you to stob borig me to death about your codes, rebebber? Rebebber whad I tode you?

I said, "Ebbrybody gets a code now and thed, add it lasts a week, add there's nothig eddybody cad do about it, so id the meadtibe be good enough dot to bore me siddy width yours, please."

Mide are differet frub ebbrybody else's codes. I ab the one persod I know whose codes, as I starded to say, are absoludely fascinatig. It is a fuddy thig, but whed I hab a code I want to led beeple know about it so ebbrybody cad abbreciate the agody I ab sufferig, on accout of my pardicular kide of code beeg so fascinatig.

Id's a straydge thig about people. They refuse to codsider the possibidity thad one lone mad exists on this old earth whose codes are not as borig as ebbrybody else's codes, thad this mad's codes are differet from ebbrybody else's, and that ebbrybody should therefore syppathize width this poor code victib.

Loved ones hab said to me, "Why should we feel soddy for your code sufferig? When we wanted you to feel soddy for us, you said, 'Dote whide like a sissy ober a liddle code. Grid add bear it, add nexd weeg id'll be all gawed.' "

Whad these loved ones dote realize is that my codes are extrebely interestig, nod ad all like the dull codes ebbrybody else gets. My codes cause this reedy idcredible sufferig.

This very boment, for idstance, middions of tidy liddle code gerbs have assembled a ribbod of steel idside the top ub my skull add are ribbetig soddy, I mead rivetig it to the braid.

Besides the steel around the braid, ad this very momet middions of other liddle code germs hab produced amazing heat in the neck region. They are tryig to ged my shirt dretched with berspiratiod. If they thingk I'm goig to stop and chayge idto a dry shird, they hab another thingk comig.

You see, I am wise to their liddle schebes. They thingk thad durig a chayge of shird, I will lose my traid of thought, gib up this exbosure of their amazigly bicious bodus operandi, add seddle for a roudine coddum sayig Bill Cliddid is either a pridce amug med or Bill Cliddid still wote do.

Do your worst, you fascinatig code gerbs, yed though you make my nose, eyes, ears and wisdom teeth rud by the gallod

(Editor's Interruption: This column was cut short at this point when its author was found collapsed in paroxysms of self-pity. We have retained a freelance columnist to fill the space.)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have heard it before, and you will hear it again: Bill Clinton is a prince among men, whose heretofore unsuspected brilliance is utterly startling. Let us not forget, however, that the very unsuspectedness of this brilliance gives us every reason to fear that in the long haul, Bill Clinton simply will not do.

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