Cellular royals

Art Buchwald

March 10, 1993|By Art Buchwald

SCIENTISTS are finding out more and more about the dangers of cellular phones. In England they have recently discovered that the phone can even affect members of the royal family.

Sir Burton Katzen confirmed this in studies he conducted on the M-1 motorway where he listened in on one member of the royal family talking to a commoner friend.

Transcripts of these conversations made available by members of the vigilant British press indicate that the car phone created a lot of static for the users.

While delivering a paper he had written for the British Cellular Medical News, Sir Burton said, "Holding the phone too close to the royal ear can cause severe giddiness and make the palms sweat."

"Is this only true of members of the royal family?" Sir Burton was asked.

"We're not sure because they were the only ones we could experiment on. We do know that both Prince Charles and Princess Diana have palpitations when they talk to their loyal subjects."

"What makes them utter so much gibberish?"

"It could be the cellular battery. If you hold the phone right up against your ear lobe, it seems to do odd things to you while you are driving."

"How did you arrive at your conclusions?"

"I noticed that something strange was going on in the royal household. Nobody made any calls from the palace, but as soon as they jumped into their cars they began chattering away. I asked myself, why was all the communication reserved for their cars?

"Then it dawned on me that the royals had become addicted to cellular and found that using a phone was more exciting than riding a polo pony."

Another questioner asked Sir Burton if he considered cellular phones security risks.

He responded, "They might be for the average person, but hardly for the royal family. Who in England would dare reveal private regal conversations with family friends?"

"But are you saying that a cellular phone can cause damage to the monarchy?"

"Only if Prince Charles or Princess Diana is put on hold."

"What would you advise the royals to do?"

"I'd suggest that if they have to place a personal call they should stop at a service station and use a pay phone."

"That would solve a lot of problems, but you are going to need more evidence to prove that cellular phones are breaking up British royalty."

The British Cellular Telephone Association denied that car phones were responsible for the chaos at Buckingham Palace. A BCTA spokesman said, "Cellular phones don't kill monarchies -- heirs to the throne do."

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