Geraldo and George Will are alike: Unbelievable!

ROGER SIMON

March 08, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

I don't understand evaporated milk. If it's evaporated, what's in the can?

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Never rest anything on the roof of your car. Whether it is your briefcase or your baby, you will forget it there.

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First Reporter: Do you think Bill Clinton will be a one-term president?

Second Reporter: Yeah, I think he'll last that long.

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If you cannot successfully complete the TV Guide crossword puzzle every week, you probably died a few years ago and didn't notice it.

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A recent Times Mirror poll on believability indicated that "Geraldo Rivera had the distinction of being the least believable person tested -- 22 percent of respondents found him believable while 70 percent said they believed almost nothing of what he said," according to the summary.

What the summary did not say, but you could discover by examining the poll numbers, is that the percentage of people who found George Will believable is just as low as those who believe Geraldo. Both got 22 percent.

True, only 23 percent believed almost nothing Will said, but an astonishing 41 percent of the people polled had "never heard of" syndicated columnist and talk show commentator Will, the highest "never heard of" score in the poll.

Only 2 percent of those polled had never heard of Geraldo. The second most obscure figure after Will was Chief Justice William Rehnquist with a "never heard of" score of 29 percent.

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Hillary Rodham Clinton cancels her trip to Baltimore because of a few lousy inches of snow? I'll bet Naina Yeltsin would have strapped on snowshoes and walked.

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Does anyone still sit around tossing playing cards into a hat? Why?

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My only quibble with the new Crystal Pepsi is that it tastes awful.

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The American Craft Council Craft Fair in Baltimore last week was terrific, but they really should ban strollers from the very crowded aisles. Parents, bond with your kids: Carry them.

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It's really a shame, but hardly anyone plays the castanets any more.

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The End of Life As We Know It:

Houston's restaurant in Rockville now gives you a beeper when you come in, and you get buzzed when your table is ready.

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People who gladly feed sea gulls but refuse to feed pigeons are guilty of birdism.

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First we got Oliver Stone slobbering over Jim Garrison in "J.F.K." and then we got Danny DeVito slobbering over Jimmy Hoffa in "Hoffa." Isn't it possible to make a historical movie that actually tells the truth?

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People who drive with their fog lights on when it isn't foggy should be beaten with sticks.

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Paperback Picks of the Month: "Rising Sun" by Michael Crichton and "Murther & Other Walking Spirits" by Robertson Davies.

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John Arnick. I don't have anything to add. I just didn't want to be the only columnist not to mention him.

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OK, let's face it: The "Wonder Years" just isn't cute anymore.

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Since I have 47 of them in my desk drawer, I'd really like to know: Do those ketchup packets from Burger King really stay fresh forever?

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Tom Hulce has never given a bad performance.

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Since the automatic teller machine lines are now as long or longer than the lines inside the bank, what progress have we made?

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It is the rare person who knows how to fold a pocket handkerchief.

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Converse's decision to change the name of its new basketball shoe from "Run 'N Gun" to "Run 'N Slam" was a very wise move.

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USAir will now give you a full can of Coke only if you ask for it. Save somebody's job: Don't ask for it.

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