Sex it up, Bill!

Art Buchwald

March 02, 1993|By Art Buchwald

THE problem with President Clinton's economic plans is that they have no sex in them. It's impossible for you to follow the daily adventures of the deficit, the budget and growth of the economy without falling asleep.

How can we make the economy more interesting? By treating it as a sex scandal.

From the New York Post:

WASHINGTON -- An anonymous source in the capital announced today that members of the Clinton administration abused the military budget to the tune of $100 billion. When senators told the administration personnel to stop making lewd remarks to the Stealth bomber proponents, the administration replied that they weren't abusing anybody, and the White House had the right to proposition the armed forces in any manner it saw fit.

No charges have been brought against the Clinton people, but an ethics committee is conducting an investigation and will decide whether the $100 billion hug could be considered government or private business.

In the meantime, upper-bracket taxpayers claimed that they had been sexually harassed by President Clinton's tax program. The White House denied it was raping the rich.

"All we are doing is holding their feet to the fire. Some might say it's painful, but on cold nights the majority of the rich people find it very sexy."

The big gossip on Capitol Hill is that, despite President Clinton's plea for a reduction in deficit spending, many representatives and senators are still in bed with their lobbyists. Photographers crashed in on a finance subcommittee and discovered three senators fondling the arguments of private health care advocates.

As photographers took their flash photos a lobbyist cried, "I don't care what you do to me -- I will always kiss Sen. Bones' feet."

The proposals in the committee were naked ones and therefore were not printed in the New York Times.

Secretary of Commerce Ron Brown called a press conference today and announced that the tax credit plan for business was fTC his baby. He told reporters that it was conceived one foolish night in a hotel room in Kansas City. But he accepted paternity for it and said that the Commerce Department would pay for the child and raise it as its own.

A Republican in Texas claims that he had been molested by Mr. Clinton's tax-and-spend program. "I just went up for one drink, and before I knew it they had put a surcharge on my income."

The White House responded, "He was asking for it."

This just in from the National Enquirer:

President Clinton's economic proposal was born with two heads. It was, explained scientists at the Federal Reserve, an aberration but not that special as most presidential budgets have two heads. There was some question whether the two-headed monster would survive until spring.

If it dies it will be put in a bottle of formaldehyde and placed on a shelf with all the other two-headed monstrosities proposed by previous presidents.

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