Birds of a feather

Art Buchwald

February 23, 1993|By Art Buchwald

A WASHINGTON lawyer friend of mine named Michael Spekter called me in the middle of the night and said excitedly, "What do you think of this? I've been reading up on the new attorney general appointee, Janet Reno, who maintains that she doesn't have a 'nanny' problem because she has no children.

"Listen to this. She's got guts, she has integrity and doesn't take any stuff from anybody. Furthermore, she was a great state's attorney, she's single, and she has a mind of her own.

"There's more. She lived in a rustic cabin with her aged mother in the Everglades. Ms. Reno is crazy about the outdoors and enjoys hiking and canoeing and bird-watching."

I said, "Get to the point, Michael, it's 1 o'clock in the morning."

"Everyone agrees that she isn't as neat as a pin, but on the other hand she's not in favor of the death penalty nor is she pro-life -- yet she follows the law."

"So?"

"I've been doing a computer search for a mate for her all evening, and I think that I've come up with the perfect match -- Supreme Court Justice David Souter."

"You're crazy, Michael."

"Hear me out. Justice Souter lived alone in a house which he had rebuilt himself in New Hampshire with his aged mother.

"He likes hiking and nature and the outdoors. I couldn't find out if he was neat or not, but from what I've seen I wouldn't put him on any 'best dressed' list. He has a mind of his own and has come to many decisions that Ms. Reno agrees with, much to the horror of the conservatives on the court. What makes it an incredible situation is that they are both single."

"You've done your homework, Michael, but where are you going with all this?"

"I don't think it's a coincidence that Ms. Reno was selected. I believe that Hillary is behind it. Perhaps she persuaded Bill to appoint someone to the Justice Department who had the same resume as a Supreme Court justice."

"It's an interesting match -- so let's just follow through on it. Suppose Souter and Reno face each other in the court, their eyes lock, and it's love at first sight. Then they get married. You know what something like that could lead to?"

"Kids."

"Right, and what do kids lead to?"

"Souter and Reno need a nanny in order to fulfill their duties," Michael said. "Like most Americans they can't find one with a green card. I have a solution. They hire an illegal nanny and they get President Clinton to pardon her."

"That could work. What do you plan to do with all this matchmaking material?"

"I thought that you might plant it in the paper. It would give Souter and Reno something to think about."

"But they both like to live alone," I pointed out. "Won't matchmaking spoil their fun?"

"They could still be alone. They could alternate between New Hampshire and the Everglades and read each other's briefs."

"You've done wonderful work," I told Michael.

"I'll send it up the Justice Department flag pole and see who salutes."

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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