Clinton's new nanny math means 2 + 2 equals 1984

ROGER SIMON

February 10, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Are you ready to talk?

Could you get the light out of my eyes?

No.

Could you take off the handcuffs?

No.

The electrodes are very itchy.

Tough.

What is it you want me to say?

Tell us why you would like to be the attorney general of the United States.

To protect and defend the Constitution, to punish the guilty and to comfort the innocent.

Why really?

There's nobody else left. I'm the last name on President Clinton's list.

Do you have any nanny problems?

How come you didn't ask Ron Brown that? YEE-OWW! What was that?

That was 500 volts. Want to try for 750?

No, no. I just was trying to point out that when they found out Zoe Baird hired an illegal alien, Baird got dumped. When they found out Kimba Wood hired an illegal alien, Wood got dumped. But Ron Brown fails to pay Social Security taxes to his domestic worker, and he is never even asked about it before being confirmed as secretary of commerce.

Ron Brown was asked more important questions.

Yeah, like why he represented the government of Haiti while it was being run by the murderous dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier.

And he had a very good reason, didn't he?

Yeah, Duvalier was paying him $150,000 a year. Which brings up another point. Zoe Baird was making $507,000 a year and everybody hated her for being a fat cat. But Ron Brown was making $750,000 a year and nobody made a big deal about that at all.

That was completely different.

I'm not so sure. I think there may be some kind of double standard at work here. YEEE-OWWWW!

We in the Clinton administration never, ever use that phrase. Is that understood? Or would you like another visit from Mr. Electricity?

No, no, I understand!

Good. Now, what will you tell reporters when they ask how men seem to get confirmed for Cabinet jobs so easily, but women get a hard time?

I guess I will point out that the difference is in the seriousness of the problems each had.

For instance?

Well, in the case of Ron Brown, he got hundreds of thousands of dollars from Japanese electronics com

panies to lobby for them. Then, as chairman of the Democratic National Committee, he got a $30,650 contribution from Sony Corp. of America. And then he turns around and becomes the secretary of commerce, who is supposed to protect American firms from predatory Japanese trade practices. So you can see that his problem was a very a minor one.

Fine, go on.

And in the case of Lloyd Bentsen, just because Bentsen once shook down lobbyists for $10,000 to have breakfast with him, just because he once belonged to country clubs that didn't allow blacks, and just because his nickname was "Loophole Lloyd" for all the deals he got for special interests, that is no reason whatsoever he should not be secretary of the treasury.

Excellent. So what's the rule?

The rule is that if men represent dictators and special interests and make hundreds of thousands of dollars from it, that's OK. But if women hire nannies and don't pay a few bucks in Social Security on time, they deserve to be hounded by reporters and humiliated in front of the entire nation.

Wonderful. And what will you say when asked about the presidential candidate who promised to "clean up Washington" and curb influence peddlers?

I will say that George Bush was thrown out of office for making such naive and foolish statements.

George Bush didn't say that! Bill Clinton said that!

He did? Gosh. I guess I will have to say President Clinton must be saving the cleanup for his second term.

Superb. I think your confirmation hearings will be just a formality. And you have been doing your homework, right?

Yes. I have read George Orwell's "1984" several times.

And how much is two plus two?

Whatever the president says it is. YEEE-OWWW. Sorry. Whatever Hillary says it is.

Welcome to the Cabinet. You're going to do just fine in this administration.

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