The airheads of the airwaves

Kevin Cowherd

February 08, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

One morning on talk radio:

HOST: ". . . and the CIA parachutes in a couple of midget agents masquerading as Iraqi children. Then one of 'em ices Saddam when he visits their school. Anyway, that's my plan. What do you think. 555-WHEW is the number here on the Marty Behan Show. Let's go to Larry in northwest Baltimore."

CALLER: "Marty, remember the old Road Runner cartoons?"

HOST: "Absolutely."

CALLER: "Remember how Wil E. Coyote strapped himself to an ACME rocket to catch the Road Runner?"

HOST: "What's your point?"

CALLER: "We get some Green Berets, strap each one to a rocket and launch 'em into Baghdad to get Saddam."

HOST: "I have no problem with that. Rod from Towson, you're on the air."

CALLER: "Marty, the coyote also launched himself once from a giant ACME super-stretch slingshot embedded in the desert floor."

HOST: "So?"

CALLER: "We set up a slingshot somewhere in Saudi Arabia and shoot a couple of Navy SEALS onto the roof of Saddam's palace. End of problem."

HOST: "Betty from Catonsville."

CALLER: "Marty, did I hear you say earlier that Hilary Clinton engages in satanic rituals?"

HOST: "What I said was: There's a coven of witches operating in the White House. We all know that. Look at the bags under Bill Clinton's eyes. The man can't get any sleep. All that chanting, the burning incense, the Doors albums wailing constantly . . . Someone is organizing these people."

CALLER: "And Zoe Baird? Was she a . . ."

HOST: "The jury's still out, Betty. Although there was a makeshift altar in the back of her house, with chicken feathers and the bones of small animals scattered about. Draw your own conclusions."

CALLER: "I find your program very informative."

HOST: "Rich from White Marsh."

CALLER: "Marty, I see Congress is thinking about voting itself a big, fat pay raise again."

HOST: "I read that, too."

CALLER: "Amazing. Here these people are part of a known baby-selling ring and they . . ."

HOST: "I'm sorry -- a what ring?"

CALLER: "Congress is running a baby-selling ring, Marty. My niece worked as a page there one summer. She said the average Caucasian baby was going for upwards of $10,000. They use the money for a big party at the end of the year."

HOST: "A party?"

CALLER: "Kegs of beer, male and female strippers, roulette wheels . . . "

HOST: "Let me get this straight . . ."

CALLER: "Teddy Kennedy runs the whole show."

HOST: "Why doesn't that surprise me? This guy must have tiny horns growing out of the top of his head."

CALLER: "Everyone calls him The Broker. He has catalogs on the coffee table in his office filled with pictures of babies for sale."

HOST: "Daniel Webster just rolled over in his grave. Let's go to Rich on his car phone."

CALLER: "Marty, this business about gays in the military. I was in 'Nam in '67 and we had several gays in our platoon. By the time of the Tet Offensive, they were demanding to wear pink nighties into battle."

HOST: "Thank God MacArthur isn't alive to hear this."

CALLER: "Don't get me wrong, they were good soldiers. But you can't wear pink in the jungle. The Viet Cong spotters were picking us up from miles away."

HOST: "Frank from Randallstown, you're on the air."

CALLER: "Marty, I hear a London tabloid has pictures of Clinton taken in Hanoi in '67. One shows Clinton with one arm around Ho Chi Minh."

HOST: "Let's go to Rose in Essex."

CALLER: "Yeah, hi, Marty. That poll you took on what form of capital punishment people favored? Is it too late to get in on that?"

HOST: "Nope. What's your pleasure?"

CALLER: "Put me down for hacking and dismembering."

HOST (sound of paper shuffling): "Y'know, it's funny. I thought a lot more people would go for: Being bound and dragged through scrub brush behind a Jeep Cherokee."

CALLER: "Marty, can I say one more thing? At first I thought it was sickening the way people are jumping on President Clinton. But that business about Hilary being a witch . . . I'm sorry, we just can't have that."

HOST: "Amen. Back after these messages."

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