In tribal solitude

Russell Baker

January 28, 1993|By Russell Baker

I AM a European-American.

I am a male European-American.

I am a Depression-generation, male European-American.

I am a hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

I am a college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

Because I have not lost significant amounts of hair I am not a bald, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American. Instead, I am a comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

I am a heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

Because I am married I am not a single, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American, and therefore I do not go to singles bars.

Instead, I am a married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American, and go to doubles bars in which homosexual, bald, educationally disadvantaged, hearing-advantaged, pre- as well as post-Depression-generation, male European-Americans, Asian-Americans, African-Americans, Antarctic-Americans, Native Americans, Australian-Americans and Pacific-Island Americans, though not unwelcome, are made to feel peculiar.

Being unable to understand the vocalists who sing rock music, I shun it like a bog. Therefore, I am a square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

Though I am not resident below the official government poverty line, when pondering David Letterman's $14 million salary and the $1 million salary of the average journeyman baseball player, I realize that neither am I doing so well in the money department.

In short, I am a comparatively financially disadvantaged, square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

Politically, I am not kind and generous enough to be a liberal nor heartless and tight-fisted enough to be a conservative nor dull enough -- I insist! -- to be a moderate. Therefore, the only doubles bars I frequent are those for politically unpredictable, comparatively financially disadvantaged, square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-Americans.

I am married to a Celtic-American.

She is a Celtic-American of the female gender. Don't try telling Celt jokes around me. I am a Celt-sensitive, politically unpredictable, comparatively financially disadvantaged, square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

I no longer twit this Celtic-American helpmate about being of the female gender, as I did in the old days when I was a gender-twitting, though already Celt-sensitive, politically unpredictable, comparatively financially disadvantaged, square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American.

When once too often I said, twittingly of course, that I yearned for the era when females had sex instead of gender, a number of representatives of that splendid gender urged me to give up my swinish male-gender chauvinism and free my mind of outmoded male-female stereotypes.

This was sound advice. I am now a genderly enlightened, Celt-sensitive, politically unpredictable, comparatively financially disadvantaged, square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-American. In short, a gender-twitter no more.

The Celtic-American of female gender to whom I am married is a high school dropout and, therefore, not unwelcome, but made to feel peculiar in doubles bars for genderly enlightened, Celt-sensitive, politically unpredictable, comparatively financially disadvantaged, square, married, heterosexual, comb-carrying, college-educated, hearing-impaired, Depression-generation, male European-Americans.

In short, we stay home a lot.

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