Pain? Don't mention it

Kevin Cowherd

January 22, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

The biggest mistake a man can make is to mention physical pain in the presence of a woman.

Recently I was talking to a friend at a party about an old basketball injury that was bothering me.

Suddenly, the woman to my right whirled around.

"You want to talk about pain?" she sneered.

Oh, God. Here we go.

"I'll tell you about pain . . ."

I'm sure you will.

"Try having a baby sometime, mister."

Please. Not the rigors-of-childbirth soliloquy.

"Try 32 hours in labor."

And your name is . . .?

"Try pain so bad you want to die."

Right now, death doesn't sound so bad.

"Waves of searing, white-hot pain."

Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas.

"They practically had to tie me to the hospital bed."

I really should be getting along.

"Broke the blood vessels in my eyes from straining."

Didn't that happen to Elvis, too?

"It was like being torn apart . . ."

By a team of oxen?

" . . . by a team of oxen."

Somehow I knew you'd say that.

"There were almost beads of blood on my forehead."

Funny, you remind me of someone.

"It hurt so bad I swung at my husband."

Can't place her right now, though.

"Hey, are you listening to me?"

Now I remember. My wife uses the same lines.

"You can't imagine the pain . . ."

Oh, I don't know. I had a bad sunburn once.

" . . . unless you've gone through it."

Then there was the time I stepped on a nail.

"Terrible contractions every 30 seconds."

I think I'm having a contraction myself.

"I remember screaming: ' SOMEBODY KILL ME!'"

I would have helped you there, sweetie.

"Over and over: " KILL ME! KILL ME!"

I'm in the phone book if you need me.

"You're praying to be put out of your misery."

Hand me that fireplace poker, willya?

"Then I must have blacked out."

I did that at a frat party. After 12 Buds.

"Finally, they had to do a C-section."

I was wondering when we'd get to that.

"Blood! Oh, you have no idea."

Gee, I'm sorry I missed it.

"Foamy rivers of rich, red blood spurting everywhere."

You can't beat a good thesaurus.

"Doctors and nurses screaming . . ."

Medical emergencies for $400, please.

"I was sick as a dog. Threw up all over the place."

This is just a guess: Was it the flu?

"Just all over the place."

You don't have any snapshots, do you?

"It was like something out of "Aliens."

Oh? Were Siskel and Ebert there?

"All of a sudden this baby pops out!'

This just in: Roger gives it two thumbs up.

"I mean, just pops out of your tummy!"

But Gene says the plot is hackneyed.

"A boy! He looked so peaceful . . ."

Who wouldn't after a blast of anesthesia?

"It took 120 stitches to close me . . ."

Not that anyone was counting.

" . . . not that I was counting."

I feel like the Amazing Kreskin.

"Then when they took the stitches out . . ."

Is this where you bit down on a leather strap to keep from crying out?

" . . . I had to bite down on a towel to keep from screaming."

Towel, leather strap, it's all the same.

"Oh, God, you talk about pain!

Yeah, we seem to be stuck on the subject.

"That kind of suffering, I wouldn't wish on anyone."

No telling you about pain, huh?

"So don't tell me about pain, mister."

Nope. Wouldn't dream of it.

"Because I know pain."

So I've heard, so I've heard.

" Believe me, I know pain."

Nice talking to you.

"What you have is nothing in comparison."

Don't be a stranger now.

"Men are such babies when it comes to pain!"

My best to everyone at home.

"You just bear it and go on."

) Seriously, stay in touch.

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