Woman's good looks keep men at bay

SINGLE FILE

December 27, 1992|By SUSAN DEITZ

Q: Why is it that men are intimidated by attractive (pretty) women? I've read this in many columns but did not believe it until I came on the "singles scene." I've been single over a year now, and go out a lot, but when I go out on my own, men are constantly staring at me without making the approach.

I am very attractive, slim and sexy-looking in a refined way. After a while, some of them will approach me and then admit that they have swallowed their pride to come over and talk with me. They tell me that they are frightened by a pretty woman who dresses in today's fashion (on the sexy side). But this is me, and I cannot change my image.

For many years I was put down by my ex-husband, even when I was thin. I used to weigh over 150 pounds, but now I weigh 100 pounds and feel good about myself. But what is it about me that seems to turn men off?

A: It's true that most men are as intimidated by an attractive woman as they are fascinated by her; let's leave it to the sociologists to ferret out the reasons. The bottom line is that your looks challenge men, and that is not all bad.

But if this problem really bothers you, there are some things you can do on your side of the equation. For instance, modify the sexiness of your clothing and overall image, be friendly and welcoming when an appealing man glances your way. Downplaying your allure a notch or two can make your image into one that is less daunting and more friendly.

And make sure that you're not playing with your prettiness deliberately, to manipulate men and wreak revenge on your former husband.

Q: I'm a nice guy who strayed into becoming a not-so-nice guy because I believed NG's finished last -- but found out that NSN's are the ones who lose.

I had a long-term relationship with an angel; I was so afraid to lose her by being a nice guy, afraid she'd get bored with my niceness. So I became a bad guy, trying to be a big shot, buying her this and that and tooling around in a big car. But instead, she wanted someone to settle down with, the nice guy type.

I loved her so much that I kept doing the Big Man things, scared that I would lose her otherwise. But now I'm hurting every day because I lost her and I'm in jail for trying to be Mr. Macho man.

I'd like to say that being an ordinary nice guy and acting like yourself is what counts. By being someone other than yourself is what will make you wind up finishing last.

A: Your regrets could make a wise man out of you. Use this time to rethink your mistakes, then build a positive plan of action for when you are a free man.

Q: It is my experience that the enforcement of child support judgments is usually nonexistent or at best too little, too late. My ex-husband pays what he wants, when he wants to. He gets in more trouble for paying car payments late than for not paying his child support.

About a year ago things hit rock bottom for us. Half my pay was going to day-care, we were getting food from the church and from relatives. I called my lawyer saying I couldn't feed my kids, he had the judge make a temporary order for an increase in support. But my ex didn't pay it, we had him held in contempt of court. I thought that would teach him to ignore the court. But nothing happened, we got a court date eventually, and the contempt charges were dropped.

My husband started paying the increase in time, but not until he felt like doing so. And why should he pay, when the court doesn't enforce its judgment? My ex still owes me $1,500 in retroactive support, he has yet to pay a cent of it. All I got was a $300 bill from my lawyer.

If you ask me, the courts do not work. They are just a means for lawyers to make money and ex-husbands to stall. The best interest of the children is not served. My children and I came very close to being homeless and unfed -- and nothing was done and nobody cared.

A: There are organizations working to change the system. One of them has been in place a long time and is doing good work. For literature and address of their local chapter, contact Organization for the Enforcement of Child Support, 119 Nicodemus Road, Reisterstown 21136. Be sure to enclose a self-addressed envelope with a 29-cent postage stamp.

Los Angeles Times Syndicate

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