PROFESSIONAL football, one of our sources reports, could...

GALLIMAUFRY

December 26, 1992

PROFESSIONAL football, one of our sources reports, could make the entire District of Columbia and environs hearing-impaired.

When the maniacs assemble, as Redskin fans loyally do at RFK Stadium, they consider it an occasion to raise the decibel level to a point where altruistic audiologists must wince and avaricious audiologists must rejoice.

The prudent observer of this tribal rite would be wise to stick a finger or a wad of tissue in each ear.

Especially when a hated visiting team like the Dallas Cowboys has the ball and the screaming multitudes wish to drown out the quarterback's calls.

One might consider this unsportsmanlike conduct.

But if one were to make such a judgment, one could not be a professional football fan.

He would be a lesser form of life, say, a baseball fan, where it is not unknown to clap politely for the opposing side. The essence of the professional football, after all, is blood-lust and victory at any cost.

If Baltimore should ever get an NFL team again, the surgeon general of the United States would be wise to order an architectural design plan to muffle the roar of the crowd.

But this obviously would be unconstitutional as well as despicable in the eyes of any Baltimorean old enough to hate Bob Irsay. It would forgo a valuable home-team advantage, usually figured at three points, which could be enough to forfeit an appearance in the Super Bowl.

L Life, after all, is a series of choices, our source reports.

Having regularly stuck his fingers in his ears while suffering the contempt of his seatmates at the recent Redskins-Cowboys contest, he has decided to invest his life's savings in hearing-aid companies.

* * * COLLEGE PARK may be the flagship campus of the University of Maryland but it also is the site of the Turner Laboratory, an imposing mansion-like building along U.S. 1 that has been producing some of the Baltimore-Washington area's best ice cream since 1924.

"We haven't changed the formula since 1947," we were told when stopping by recently to celebrate the season with some pumpkin ice cream, one of 24 flavors produced from the milk of the university's herd of cows.

Such old stand-by flavors as vanilla and chocolate account for the bulk of the 25,000 gallons of ice cream sold.

The ice cream is dispensed in the Turner Laboratory's ground-floor cafeteria, which has added a spiffy visitors' center desk since our last stop.

Aside from the delicious ice cream, the room's other chief attraction is the 1924 photos of serious men and prize-winning cows that hang on the walls.

They were taken outside what then was called the university's Dairy Husbandry Building.

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