Some gift rapping for all you sports

KEN ROSENTHAL

December 25, 1992|By KEN ROSENTHAL

Ho, ho, ho!

The 1992 holiday gift list, plus a few peeks into the crystal ball:

L Eli Jacobs: A free legal consultation with Stephen L. Miles.

President-elect Bill Clinton: A better Opening Day delivery than George "In The Dirt" Bush.

Governor Schaefer: No more Oriole Park, just Camden Yards.

Marge Schott: An "X" cap, plus the Public Enemy album "Fear of a Black Planet."

Major-league baseball owners: Commissioner Ross Perot.

Crystal ball, March 1993: The NFL awards expansion franchises to Boise, Idaho, and Huntington, W.Va., Both cities express great surprise at the announcement and begin holding bake sales to secure stadium financing by the year 2056.

Speaking of pro football:

Deion Sanders: Hey, he's Deion Sander Claus. He can get me a present.

The Redskins: Sorry, they got too many gifts last year.

The AFC: An act of God in the Super Bowl.

Ted Marchibroda: Head coach, Baltimore Hoosiers.

Speaking of bake sales . . .

Artie Donovan: Cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers.

Boog "El Gordo" Powell: 50 bushels of crabs, 100 pounds of ribs, 200 boxes of cookies.

Exree Hipp: The Charles Barkley diet, circa 1983 -- plus a day with Donovan and Powell.

Anita Nall: A hot fudge sundae for every lap swum in '92.

Riddick Bowe: Fitness by Evander Holyfield, not Buster Douglas. And two more trash cans, one for his IBF belt, the other for his WBA.

John Williams and Stanley Roberts: A visit to Jenny Craig. Come on, guys, we know you're cheating.

And speaking of the NBA . . .

Michael Jordan: A pair of Reeboks. Just to see how the other half lives.

David Robinson: Another neighborhood.

Wes Unseld: A rigged lottery.

Charles Barkley: Ambassador to the U.N.

Crystal ball, April 1993: Despite the New York Yankees' surprising 10-4 start, George Steinbrenner fires Buck Showalter, not for any particular reason, "but because I feel like it." The new Yankees manager: Dave Winfield.

The Rotisserie freaks: A massive computer virus, to make all their leagues go kaput.

Barry Bonds: No. 24. I mean, No. 25.

Glenn Davis: A suit of armor.

Cal Ripken: 20 homers, 90 RBI, 162 games.

Jose Canseco: A bull to ride in Texas. Provided it goes 100 mph.

Don Baylor: Ski-lift tickets in Aspen. For the days off.

Joe Orsulak: A candy bar named after him.

Randy Milligan: A home where the Moose can roam.

Gregg Olson: Eck-cellent control.

Brady Anderson: A shaving-cream commercial, so he can demonstrate how he trims his sideburns. And, of course, a cameo on "90210."

Crystal ball, August 1993: The Toronto Blue Jays reacquire Fred McGriff for the stretch drive. The Orioles activate new radio announcer Fred Manfra.

Boogie Weinglass: A free-agent shopping spree in whatever sport he desires.

Roland Hemond: The freedom to operate like Pat Gillick.

Frank Robinson: Hemond's job.

Doug Melvin: Hemond's job.

Jeff Rimer: Hemond's job.

Crystal ball, November 1993: In another slap at the college Bowl Alliance, the Cotton Bowl matches No. 1 Texas A&M against 0-10 Prairie View. The Blockbuster Bowl pairs 4-6 Penn State with Division I-AA champ Colgate.

Mark Duffner: A caffeine-only diet. Just to see what he'd be like really wound up.

Morgan State: Powdered wigs, muskets and other revolutionar

paraphernalia.

Gino Torretta: A Grey Cup with the Ottawa Rough Riders.

Crystal ball, December 1993: Georgetown faces Fillmore Junio High at the Capital Centre. You know, for the good of the kids.

Jerry Tarkanian: A job in the NCAA enforcement division.

Dick Vitale: Back-to-back quadruple-headers. One site. On mike.

Jim Boeheim: A bottle of whine.

Gary Williams: Keith Booth.

And, finally, on a serious note . . .

Dennis Byrd and Mike Utley: Back on their feet.

Arthur Ashe and Magic Johnson: A healthy '93 -- and beyond.

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