A few wise-guy sayings from Chairman Roger

ROGER SIMON

December 21, 1992|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

How did weathermen describe hail before the invention of golf balls?

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Now Ask Me If I Care Dept.: George Bush actually once met Babe Ruth.

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Does anyone still use iodine?

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True Confessions: I have had impure thoughts about CNN's Christiane Amanpour.

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If you haven't gotten me a holiday gift yet, my Maserati size is a medium.

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People who burn artificial logs are the saddest people I know.

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If Letterman really does switch to CBS at 11:30 p.m., it means we're going to have to tape "Nightline."

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Has anyone but me noticed that if you switch a couple of letters around Santa becomes Satan?

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Trust me, it's better than mistletoe: A dab of vanilla extract behind each ear.

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There are all sorts of fascinating revelations in David McCullough's biography of Harry Truman, so how come the one that sticks in my mind is that Truman changed the oil in his car every 1,000 miles?

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Don't forget to watch the Holiday Bowl on Dec. 30 or you won't know what the whole world is talking about on Dec. 31.

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I keep getting mixed up between Olympia Dukakis and Anjelica Houston.

Are they really two different people? Are you sure?

Have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time?

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Here's a tip you will remember for the rest of your life: Keys always go into the lock with the teeth up. (Unless you installed the lock upside down, that is.)

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It's official: "L.A. Law" is now unwatchable.

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Is it true or does it just seem like it: Every minute of every day, "It's A Wonderful Life" is appearing on TV somewhere in the world.

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So I go all the way out to this new discount wine and beer mega-store in Virginia, the one that advertises 400 different kinds of beer, and what do I see people sticking in their trunks? Cases of Budweiser.

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Stephen Hunter's mesmerizing new thriller "Point of Impact" may be his best yet.

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I can't figure out which is worse: Biting your tongue or hitting your crazy bone.

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This new practice on oldies radio stations of making the listeners sing the first few bars of their request is the cruelest thing I have ever heard.

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Our grandparents said: "I'll go out and crank up the car."

Our parents said: "I'll go out and warm up the car."

Our kids say: "I'll go out and hijack a car."

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So I'm driving down a country road in late November and see a deer hunter carrying a rifle and walking backward with his thumb out to hitch a ride.

And I think: Who in America in this day and age is going to pick up a guy with a rifle?

Prediction: He probably got a lift within five minutes.

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People who snore on airplanes should be beaten with sticks.

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It arrived too late for the poetry contest, but this entry from Samantha Sue Friedman, age 9, Baltimore, shows you how kids are often better at haiku than adults:

A Bush is a tree.

Sometimes Bushes don't grow well.

So you replace them.

My dad says you start

And you should always finish

Perot didn't hear

Change sometimes is good

I'll put my dime on Clinton

Hope he will pay off

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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day only if you don't intend to eat lunch or dinner.

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