Christmas spirits

December 18, 1992|By Michael Kernan

It's here again, the Season Hearty!

Time to plan the office party.

Time to quell the boss' fears

That it will be like yesteryear's,

Which was, they say, almost a riot

(Though the committee will deny it)

And to pledge there'll be decorum

Worthy of a churchmen's forum.

Here's one for sure we'll never ask:

The guy who brings his own hip flask

And spikes the Coke of some unwary

Eighteen-year-old secretary;

And the scourge of North America

Whose talk is office esoterica.

Another type we shall not miss

Is that old fool who tries to kiss

Directors' wives, the boss' daughter

(Would you believe, he even caught her

Underneath the mistletoe

And claimed they were simpatico!)

A barrelful of drunks we'll roust:

The ones who come already soused,

The kind who throw the dinner rolls,

Who dance on tables, bent like trolls,

Who drop their ice cubes down

the backs Of ladies, causing heart attacks,

And then pass out and must be borne

Like Hamlet from the scene forlorn;

Shouters, roarers, feisty brawlers,

Backward-into-punchbowl-fallers,

Hotfoot-givers, umbrage-takers

And assorted troublemakers.

A spouse or two we won't invite:

The Homer of the family fight

Whose version of the latest quarrel

Is broadcast from Bel Air to Laurel,

The mystery man of sullen mien

Who's married to the office queen,

Not to mention that old trout

Who insists on speaking out

To her husband's supervisor

For a raise -- we'll ostracize her.

O, this will be a proper bash

With vodka, scotch and sour mash.

No paper cups, but glasses yet,

And caviar and shrimp croquette.

No breakfast foods all sicklied o'er

With salt and oil -- Lord what a bore --

Or things with peanut butter smeared,

Or dips whose drips festoon your beard.

Just wait and see, this Yuletide rite

Will be sedate, refined, polite.

We'll pass the time in mild converse

With pinkies curled and lips a-purse,

With nuts to crack and wine to mull,

sounds delightful, yes -- and dull!

Michael Kernan is a Baltimore writer.

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