Hell for Baltimore natives is that stuff called snow

ROGER SIMON

December 13, 1992|By ROGER SIMON

Snow Wimp Help Line, go ahead please.

"Thank goodness I reached you! I am trapped in my home with no food and no electricity and . . . ."

Sorry, but we handle emergency calls only. Next caller, please.

"Is the meeting of the Baltimore Ski Club canceled?"

Yes, it is. The Ski Club will reconvene in June or whenever there is better weather, whichever comes first. Next caller, please.

"I am parked on the south side of North Avenue. Do I have to move my car?"

Only if we go from a Phase Five Snow Emergency to a Phase Six Snow Emergency. In a Phase Six all cars on the south side of North Avenue must be moved to the north side of Northern Parkway between the hours of 6 p.m. to 7 a.m. Unless, of course, it is the weekend, in which case the cars on the south side of Northern Parkway switch places with the cars on the south side of North Avenue between the hours of 7 p.m. and 6 a.m.

"Huh?"

Also, American cars manufactured between the years 1970 and 1988 must be put up on blocks, German cars can park wherever fTC they want and Japanese cars will be sold at auction.

In the event of a Phase Seven Snow Emergency your car must be removed from the street and brought into your house. And, of course, certain citizens must report to their Snow Staging Centers when we go to Phase Eight.

"What's a Phase Eight?"

In a Phase Eight all able-bodied men and women between the ages of 18 and 55 will be sent to Annapolis to pile sandbags around William Donald Schaefer. Snow Wimp Help Line, next caller, please.

"Is it OK to drive?"

Where were you born?

"Baltimore."

Sorry, all Baltimore natives are banned from the roads until further notice. You are simply not equipped to deal with the White Death.

"The White Death?"

Snow. We think it may be genetic, but when a native Baltimorean comes in contact with snow, his backbone gets all limp and mushy and he falls to the ground and curls up into a fetal position until the sun comes out. Next caller.

"How do you feel about Sally Thorner going to Channel 13?"

One part of me is very sad because we used to work together and I liked her. But the other part of me is relieved because she could never keep her hands off of me. Next caller.

"When are they going to salt the side streets?"

This depends on how close to Ground Zero you live.

"Where's Ground Zero?"

The mayor's street.

"But I live miles from there!"

In that case, don't expect any salt trucks until the weather gets better. Next caller.

"I am calling from my car phone. I'm driving on the JFX and things are moving pretty good but . . . "

Could you please tell me your exact location?

"Well, I'm northbound just past the Pepsi sign and . . . "

Abandon your vehicle immediately! Climb to the roof of your car and set your tires on fire.

A Medevac chopper will spot the smoke and evacuate you within the hour!

"Gee, it's really not that bad out here."

Years of study by the Snow Wimp Institute have proven conclusively that it is not possible to drive on the JFX in snow.

"But I'm doing it!"

It is an optical illusion. Even as you speak, you are probably

plunging over the guardrail to your certain death. Have a nice day. Next caller, please.

"Every year it's the same old story. I go to all the trouble of driving my truck to every grocery store in the neighborhood to buy up all the milk, eggs and bread they have. And then, wouldn't you know it, some lazy neighbor without enough gumption to hoard food herself, comes to the door and begs me for something to feed her kids. What should I do?"

Buy a large dog and train it to attack. Or else get some Mace. Neighbors can be so inconsiderate. Is there another caller?

"I pay taxes and I want to know why we have snow! Why can't the City Council do something about it?"

A resolution banning snow in the city failed last Thursday.

"But why?"

No quorum. None of the council members showed up.

"You mean . . . "

That's right. It was snowing.

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