Things I'd like to know:
Why everyone hates the obnoxious Burger King guys. I think they're cool.
How a guy gets a golden parachute like the ones Blue Cross and Blue Shield have been handing out.
That, just for kicks, the other inmates ate Jeffrey Levitt's desserts.
Whatever happened to Jerome "Too Sick For Prison" Cardin.
Whatever happened to Ross Crystal.
Ditto Mike Hambrick.
How I'm gonna live without Sally Thorner for a whole year. Good thing I taped some of her better shows.
When education became a budgetary burden, instead of an investment in our future.
Why a certain Mr. Woods, who supposedly runs the city's Municipal Market Administration, won't return phone calls.
What Tom McMillen does now.
Whatever happened to that oh-so-trendy, oh-so-hot-I-can't-stand-it couple who opened the oh-so-nouveau Peabody Court, then went poof!
If Helen "I'm Big-Time Serb" Bentley will give big money to her pal William Donald Schaefer's campaign for a refugee center in Slovenia.
The name of the guy who, worried about an international trade war and big tariffs, reportedly put out $12,000 for French white wines at a Baltimore retail shop.
If tests will show that the original Calverts observed, then ate Thanksgiving Day dinner.
How I got invited to the special press breakfast at the National Aquarium.
If, as reported in a recent Weekly World News, aliens really took Bill Clinton for a ride.
Where they took him.
If that photo of Oprah on the front of the National Enquirer -- her head atop Miss America's body -- was doctored.
Things I'd like to see:
Geraldo's head attached to Oprah's body in the next National Enquirer.
John "Cut Taxes/Teachers Overpaid" O'Neill agreeing to teach one month in the Baltimore County public schools.
A Stephen L. Miles Cabbage Patch doll.
A condition placed on Jeffrey Levitt's parole: That, every time he goes out in public, he is required to wear a large sandwich board that says: "Hello. My Name Is Jeffrey Levitt."
A new episode of "Columbo" that is half as good as the worst of the old ones.
Jerome "I Got Medical Parole" Cardin's backswing.
A salon for cigar smokers.
Puppets doing the weather again on a Baltimore TV station.
Eddie Bauer, L. L. Bean, Land's End and Orvis all cutting the baloney and leveling with the public -- they are really the same company. Check out the catalogs, if you don't believe me.
A new bumper sticker: Honk If You're A Hickey School Escapee!
Things I'd like to hear:
A Baltimore Chamber Orchestra tribute to the music of Roy Acuff.
The three Baltimore TV stations combining their promotional themes into one. Something like: Friends You Can Turn On Your Side To.
The announcement that Jeffrey Levitt's 2,000 hours of community service will be spent as a squeegee kid inside the Harbor Tunnel.
The next board meeting of the Baltimore Opera Co.
Things I don't wanna see anymore:
"The Little Mermaid," "Married . . . With Children," and any TV movie about abusive husbands, molested children or widowers who terrorize women they think are their dead wives.
William Donald Schaefer moping. Stop it, Don. Put on a parrot beak!
Things I don't wanna hear anymore:
Speculation about "Hillary Clinton's role."
Blue Cross and Blue Shield president Carl Sardegna, The $850,000- A-Year Man, saying things are rough, but he's going to "stick it out" anyway. What a guy, that Carl.
Martin Harper inviting people to breakfast at McDonald's.
The terms "frankly," "absolutely" and "the bottom line" in everyday conversation. Also, let's have a moratorium on meteorologists using the word "activity," as in "rain activity."
The call-waiting hiccup during a long-distance conversation that I'm paying for.
Car alarms that go off every time a dog decorates a tire.