Bawlmer pointers for O's new voice

KEN ROSENTHAL

November 21, 1992|By KEN ROSENTHAL

Free advice for the Orioles' next radio announcer, whoever the lucky soul might be:

DO carry your resume at all times.

A certain former baseball writer already had covered the Orioles a full season when he was asked to "state your qualifications" at a public forum.

The writer has since taken speech lessons to correct his New York accent, signed a sworn affidavit extolling the virtues of TC Maryland crabs and memorized every Orioles Opening Day lineup from 1954 to the present.

He even married a Baltimore native.

See what insecurity brings?

DON'T talk about your previous jobs.

As in, "It was really something last year watching Deion Sanders going first to third in 3.6 seconds." Or, "Boy, I really miss the barbecue in Texas."

Save the life story.

No one in Bawlmer cares, hon.

DO listen to the radio talk shows.

Dave from Dundalk won't help the broadcast. But it's always good to know what the radicals are thinking.

DON'T read the newspapers.

Ken Levine won an Emmy award as a writer for "Cheers," but it used to drive him crazy when some poor newspaper slob made fun of him. You explain it. Would Luther Vandross care if he was dissed by 2 Live Crew?

DO hook up with the Acura dealer that enlisted Joe Angel.

We're talking promotional vehicle.

We're talking luxury model.

We're talking major envy from the newspaper slobs.

DON'T pursue outside work.

This, presumably, is why some people complain about Jon Miller, who shows up everywhere but the Home Shopping Network, but is still the Orioles' No. 1 radio announcer.

Miller is the best, and Baltimore is lucky to have him, despite what you might read on the letters page of The Sun.

He can get away with it.

His No. 2 can't.

DO tread lightly around Jon.

For all his merits, let's face it, the guy has had more partners than Madonna. It isn't his fault -- he and Angel certainly got along -- but it would be wise to stay on his good side.

The man knows Larry King.

He might run for president.

DON'T pal around with players.

They're too busy mulling stock options or viewing "Wayne's World" for the 46th time to bother with the serfs in the media.

Unless, of course, you can introduce them to that friendly Acura dealer.

DO rip the ballclub.

Players, front-office types, whomever.

No matter what they claim, it's good for them.

DON'T ask the owner for an interview.

Eli Jacobs refers all baseball-related questions to club president Larry Lucchino, and all business-related questions to a spokesman.

That narrows the topics considerably.

The "Malcolm X" movie?

The sudden wave of carjackings?

The declining state of education in America?

Better try someone else.

DO get a medical dictionary.

So you can talk baseball with Glenn Davis.

DON'T question Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak.

It's pointless. Ripken will keep playing, and by the time he breaks Lou Gehrig's record in mid-1995, Miller might be working on his 14th partner -- in between doing voice-overs for "The Simpsons" and playing host on "Wheel of Fortune."

DO call it Camden Yards.

Only the owner would get upset.

And it would please our wacky governor.

DON'T call white players by their first names and black players by their last names, or vice versa.

Someone recently cited this as a reason the Orioles are racist. Never mind that the announcers never actually fall into such a pattern. The politically correct police are listening, and heaven knows, they're ready to pounce.

DO learn the left-right tendencies and family backgrounds of every player in the farm system.

The fans know them.

Get to work.

DON'T wax poetic.

It's baseball, not philosophy.

DO get excited.

Two outs, score tied, bottom of the ninth. Devereaux doubles into the left-center gap, and here comes Anderson trying to score from first. Listen to how Miller does it. His "safe" call is about as good as it gets.

DON'T leave after one year.

This isn't a transient town.

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