Larry King's greatest coup

Kevin Cowherd

November 16, 1992|By Kevin Cowherd

Breezy opening theme. Fade to: TV studio. Close-up of Larry King at his desk. He's wearing a blue shirt, red polka-dot tie and trademark suspenders. Across from him is a bearded figure dressed in flowing robes. His face is bathed in shimmering light.

LK: "Well, we got Him! It wasn't easy. We've been negotiating with His people for some time now. There've been some big names on this show lately: Ross Perot, Ivana Trump, Magic Johnson. But none bigger than my next guest, adored and worshiped by millions around the world. Please welcome . . . God!"

GOD: "Thanks, Larry. Nice to be here."

LK: "You were telling me at lunch today . . . this is not the Second Coming as called for in the Book of Revelation?"

GOD: "That's right, Larry. This is strictly a spur-of-the-moment visit. The world's going through a tough time right now. I thought this might help."

LK: "I imagine it's been an adjustment."

GOD: "Well, I've been asked to do some photo ops, tighten the parables for sound bites, that sort of thing. Plus we're doing "Arsenio" next week, too. That should be something."

LK: "Let's go right to the phones. Sacramento, California, hello."

CALLER: "Hi, Larry? Great show."

LK: "Thanks."

CALLER: "God?"

GOD: "Yes, my son."

CALLER: "I'm a big admirer of Yours, but how do you explain Geraldo?"

GOD: "My thinking was: Intelligent, aggressive reporter, ethnic good looks -- can't miss. Looking back on it now, I didn't think he'd be nearly as annoying. But hindsight is always 20/20."

LK: "Kalamazoo, Michigan."

CALLER: "Larry, enjoyed your show with Roxanne Pulitzer the other night."

LK: "Your question for God, please."

CALLER: "Yes, I'm curious as to how the eternal struggle against Satan is going."

GOD: "We've had some recent setbacks -- Pol Pot comes immediately to mind. And crack cocaine. But I like to think we're winning."

LK: "Tell us about your new book."

GOD: "It's called 'Bright Lights, Holy City: My Life Story.' It's sort of an updated version of the Old and New Testament. Michael J. Fox wrote the introduction. It's got easier-to-read print, enhanced graphics, lots of pictures."

LK: "So it deals with . . ."

GOD: "See, when we first pitched a book, Random House said: 'The Creation, Adam and Eve, the Great Flood, Sodom and Gomorrah . . . it's all been done. Put some new stuff in there.' So this is basically a what's-He-doing-now? book."

LK: "And the book tour starts . . .?"

GOD: "We're in New York Friday and Saturday, and Boston Sunday. Let's see, Philly on the 19th . . . you'd think my memory would be better . . . back to Washington on the 20th, Atlanta after that."

LK: "Someone told me Paramount has an option to . . ."

(Suddenly there is a disturbance off-camera. Camera pans to distraught woman with tears streaming down her face attempting to rush set. She is restrained by security guards.)

LK: (visibly upset) "For God's sake!"

GOD: "No problem. I get that a lot."

LK: "Fort Worth, Texas, for God."

CALLER: "Yes, how do You answer the skeptics who say: 'If He's really God, how come He had to rest on the Seventh Day after creating heaven and earth?'

LK: "Good question."

GOD: " Very good question. All I can say is -- and I don't want this to sound obtuse -- that was the game plan."

LK: "Honolulu, Hawaii."

CALLER: "In the Book of Deuteronomy, You said that . . ."

GOD: (irritated) " Please! I know what I said. Let's just get on with . . . sorry. It's been a long day. I was up at 6:00 doing the 'Today Show'."

LK: "I gotta ask you . . . you did a video?"

GOD: "Well, I wanted to get my message across without hurling lightning bolts or drying up rivers, etc. So, I thought a video . . . it's like those 'Be Cool, Stay in School' public service spots, only we're talking about Eternal Salvation. I did it with Van Halen."

LK: "My secretary Helen wants to know if you've performed any miracles lately."

GOD: (chuckling) "I'm thinking of having Chevy Chase win an Oscar for Best Actor."

LK: "Well, it's not like making the Nile run blood-red but . . ."

GOD: "Maybe we'll make the Amtrak trains run on time."

LK: "My guest has been God. The book is: "Bright Lights, Holy City: My Life Story." Can't thank you enough for being here."

GOD: "My pleasure, Larry."

( The two shake hands. Larry teases upcoming CNN news. Fade.)

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