Ask Mr. Blalther Confused on the election? Ask Mr. Blather

LANDON PARVIN

October 30, 1992|By Landon Parvin

MORE questions from Mr. Blather's mailbag:

Q. Bill Clinton always comes down on both sides of an issueWhat with GM's financial troubles does he favor current auto-safety regulations or letting Detroit cut costs? -- N.W., Detroit.

A. Yes. Under the Clinton plan every new car will still be equipped with an airbag, but you'll have to blow it up yourself.

QC

Q. I heard that the Republicans are especially upset over some

thing Dan Rather said about their ticket. What did he say? -- A.T., Dallas.

A. Rather said President Bush and Vice President Quayle were vegetably impaired. One won't eat broccoli and the other can't ++ spell potato.

Q. Some people feel Ross Perot's grasp of foreign affairs isn't what it should be. Is that a fair characterization? -- H.T., New York City.

A. Probably. When asked on the "Larry King Show" how he thought the British should stop the terrorist bombings of London, Perot replied, "Shoot down their planes."

Q. Hillary Clinton once wrote an article lumping marriage, slavery and living on an Indian reservation as examples of demeaning, dependent relationships.

Do you think that's accurate? -- D.S., Richmond.

A. Certainly not. She left out the vice presidency.

Q. I'm told that in private Pat Buchanan is nothing like the angry, vitriolic person we saw at the Republican convention. What is he really like? -- J.K., Peoria.

A. To his friends he is a kind, generous man who likes to unwind by repossessing seeing-eye dogs.

Q. I'm glad the media got off that Clinton-women-sleaze business.

I think the press reports too much on sex and politics, but is there any truth that a major New York daily is working on a story about a number of congressmen who attended a group-sex party? -- B.H., Atlanta.

A. Yes, but absolutely nothing happened. The congressmen couldn't agree on committee assignments.

Q. Sen. Gore is hypocritically hitting Republicans on the environment.

Aren't Democrats vulnerable on this issue? -- H.H., Omaha.

A. Indeed. Researchers have traced the ozone hole over the Antarctic directly to Gov. Ann Richards' use of hair spray.

Q. I think that I'm going to vote Republican in the New York Senate race.

But is Sen. D'Amato as pushy and annoying as he seems? -- E.G., Brooklyn.

A. Let's put it this way, D'Amato is the type who would drive up to the gates of heaven and honk.

Q. Overlooking the Democrats' typical doom and gloom, what segments of the economy are booming most right now? Biotechnology? Telecommunications? Pollution controls? -- T.T., Charleston.

A. The Speedy Print Resume Shop next to the White House.

Landon Parvin ghost-writes humor for politicians of both parties.

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