Bill, George and Ross verse get A for being so perverse


October 28, 1992|By ROGER SIMON

You think this election has been hard on you? Try reading several hundred poems about it.

My poetry contest required you to write three poems, each about a different presidential candidate.

The good news is that I have the winners.

The bad news is that it takes three times the amount of space to print them (who could have figured?).

So maybe if you beg real hard I will print some of the runners-up next week.

But today, here are those who enter immortality:

The Grand Prize, which is either a three-week ski vacation in Gstaad, Switzerland, or lunch with me in some greasy spoon, whichever I feel like paying for, goes to Arlene Ehrlich of Baltimore for this trio:

Bill Clinton's excuses ring hollow.

With logic that's quite hard to follow.

When asked about beer,

He said with a leer,

"I tasted, but I didn't swallow."

"I'm cutting the budget," Bush crooned.

But federal spending ballooned.

And now it is clear,

With election day near,

That Bush is about to get pruned.

Perot set some heartbeats a-tickin'

But he was afraid of a lickin',

And so it is true,

Though he looks like Perdue,

He's actually more of a chicken.

Second place goes to Alan B. Amrhine of Baltimore for:

A tycoon made us swoon in the spring

Not a pol! Just clear answers he'd bring.

Though once in absentia,

He's back with dementia!

Thinks we're calling for him to be king!

There's been trouble ever since he began.

Iran-contra . . . S&Ls . . . and there's Dan!

But the biggest non-winner

Was when George left his dinner

On the prime minister of Japan!

Slippery Bill spent his leisure-time hours

Sowing seeds in that wild bed of Flowers.

"No big deal," you might say?

Gennifer saw it that way.

She got hers -- pray we don't get ours!

Runners up include:

Jim Rafferty of Cockeysville:

When his wartime behavior's assailed

It seems Clinton's memory has failed

If his recall's that bad

With the clean life he's had

Just imagine if he had inhaled!

From the billionaire's Texas headquarters

A request for the tallest of orders:

"Could Election Day wait?"

Have to investigate

The background of all my supporters."

As the days to November 3 shorten

And President Bush comes a courtin'

His campaign strategy

Has a shortfall, you see:

Arkansas seems to lack Willie Horton.

Douglas Mallouk of Baltimore:

"It's a totally unfair depiction

"I was out of the loop, it's all fiction!"

But if it were true

What ex-aides say he knew

Then Bush truly speaks Contra-diction

Clinton says he's the new JFK

But apart from the image, no way!

Look a bit harder

You'll see Jimmy Carter

The nightmare that won't go away.

What a difference we have with Perot!

He's really upgraded this show

Before, with two fellows,

It was Abbott & Costello

Now it's Curly, Larry and Moe.

Today I leave town to write from the hustings and won't be back until we know who will be in the White House for the next four years or I find out what a husting is.

But remember: Vote next Tuesday or you don't get to complain next Wednesday.

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