Simon says: Perot points wrong way in commercial

ROGER SIMON

October 12, 1992|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

My favorite part of Ross Perot's first half-hour commercial was when he stuck the pointer into his own chest. Didn't his mother ever tell him you can put an eye out with one of those things?

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I've said it before and I'll say it again: If they can make those "black box" flight recorders out of a material that will survive any plane crash, how come they just don't make the whole plane out of that material?

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The best sound in the world is the chunketa-chunketa of the money machine delivering your money.

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I don't think anybody has ever used the cooking probe that comes with the microwave.

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Was Dan Quayle really the kid in "Cabaret" who sang "Tomorrow Belongs to Me"?

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Nobody has really ever said the word "wheee" while on an amusement park ride.

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Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., said of Bill Clinton's trip to Moscow and his opposition to the Vietnam War: "Clinton did something that would have brought . . . in the days of George Washington, certainly a charge of treason."

Baloney. Washington and the other Founding Fathers were keenly aware that British monarchs had used treason as an excuse to execute their political enemies. (Henry VIII used it to get rid of wives.) And that is why treason is the only crime defined in the U.S. Constitution.

In my opinion, George Washington would not only have defended Bill Clinton's right to protest that war, Washington very likely would have opposed the war himself.

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Has anyone ever picked up a phone in a plane and not begun the conversation: "Guess where I'm calling from?"

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How come white zinfandel isn't?

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Paperback Pick of The Month: "River of Darkness" by James Grady .

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Test of a good marriage: Your spouse is out of town and an important looking letter comes with his/her name on it. Do you:

* Call your spouse and ask if you can open it?

* Open it and then call.

* Steam it open and keep your mouth shut.

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The "Simpson's" continues to be the most brilliant satire on television.

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I don't believe anyone knows how to program their CD player to skip tracks.

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Hard to believe but true: The Government Accounting Office recently revealed that only 9 percent of Patriot missiles hit Scud warheads during the gulf war.. Makes you wonder what all the shouting was about, doesn't it?

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For some reason I hate it when people bring food onto an airplane. Some guy coming down the aisle eating an ice cream cone drives me nuts.

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The Orioles have to do three things to win the pennant next season. Unfortunately nobody knows what they are.

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So now milk is bad for kids? And they should get their calcium from "kale, broccoli or fish" instead? Yeah. Right. Try getting your kid to sit down and eat kale, broccoli or fish with his cookies.

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They aren't slick. They aren't sophisticated. They aren't even negative. But those Barbara Mikulski TV commercials are surprisingly good. And that "I was tall enough to see over the barriers" line is inspired.

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How come the Eastern Shore is filled with signs for palm readers and fortune tellers? Do people there know something we don't?

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Don't you just hate it when someone shakes your hand too long?

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Saw a motorcyclist riding without a helmet the other day. Called the state police. They chased him down. Discovered it was his third offense. And confiscated his head.

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