Masters of the softball question

Art Buchwald

October 06, 1992|By Art Buchwald

EVERY MEDIA person has a Walter Mitty fantasy that he or she will be called to single-handedly moderate a debate between President Bush and Governor Clinton. I am no different from anybody else. I have a dream that I will be selected because I know how to pose the tough questions that Americans want their presidential candidates to answer.

"Mr. President, that's a nice suit you're wearing. Did you have it tailored or did you buy it off the rack?"

"Governor Clinton, you were a Rhodes scholar at Oxford. If you were elected president, what would you do about the royal family?"

"Mr. President, do you think that Vice President Quayle is overpaid for being your lightning rod?"

"Governor Clinton, when you and Hillary are alone at home having a quiet dinner, does she ever bake cookies?"

"Mr. President, you are famous for upchucking on the Japanese prime minister. Ever since then the dollar has taken a nose-dive against the yen. Do you think that there is any connection between the two?"

"Governor Clinton, this is a hypothetical question, but I believe it is essential to this debate: If the University of Arkansas was playing the University of Texas in the Sugar Bowl, which side would you root for?"

"Mr. President, for eight years as vice president you maintained that when it came to any major security goofs by the Reagan administration, you were outside the loop. Did you get lonely when no one would let you in?"

"Governor Clinton, if you are elected President would you cancel the White House subscription to the National Enquirer?"

"President Bush, you are behind in the polls and everyone says that you must do something spectacular to gain the family values vote. Is there any chance that you might ask Madonna to write a song for you?"

"Governor Clinton, if Al Gore becomes your vice president, how long do you intend to keep him out of the loop?"

"Mr. President, you and Dan Quayle used to be close friends until Quayle found out that you wore tassels on your shoes. Will he ever forgive you?"

"Governor Clinton, everyone says that your weak suit is foreign affairs. Do you think that it's anybody's business if a president has them?"

"Mr. President, you have said many times that all the troubles with America can be blamed on Washington. Is that why you live in Vancouver?"

"Governor Clinton, is Barbra Streisand as beautiful in real life as she is in the movies?"

"Mr. President, do you think that people should have vouchers so that they can buy their own Stealth bombers?"

"Governor Clinton, if you were the judge of the Miss America contest, would you excuse yourself when Miss Arkansas played her ukulele?"

"Mr. President, if you were a fish swimming around Kennebunkport, what kind of fish would you be?"

"Governor Clinton, have you ever met a trial lawyer you didn't like?"

"Mr. President, in the minute we have left, will you tell us all the secrets of Skull and Bones at Yale so that we'll know as much as you do?"

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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