A pat from heaven

Art Buchwald

September 10, 1992|By Art Buchwald

IF YOU don't believe that television evangelists are kidding about stopping the Equal Rights Amendment from being passed, then you haven't received your fund-raising letter from the Rev. Pat Robertson.

The good reverend pulls no punches when it comes to warning his believers what the feminists are up to.

He says in his plea that ERA is not about equal rights for women but is an anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

Let me say that I am not one of those people who thinks the Rev. Robertson is a kook. After all, he has to be serious or he would never have been chosen to inspire the right-wing believers at the GOP convention in Houston.

I am certain he must have had some evidence to back his ERA charges.

One of my best friends, Myra Macaroney, is a writer on women's rights -- so I showed her the letter with all the charges.

She read it and said, "I don't kill children, but I'm very big on witchcraft. As a matter of fact, when you came in, I was brewing a potion in my kettle that would make Pat Robertson's pants shrink so tight he couldn't breathe when he asked people to send him money."

"Robertson is a smart man. Why would he say that ERA would cause you to leave your husband?" I asked.

"Beats me," Myra said. "I have a lot better reasons to leave my husband than the Equal Rights Amendment. I wouldn't be surprised if the reverend has a real problem with women, and it has nothing to do with the ERA."

"I'm sorry I have to ask the tough questions -- but are you anti-family?"

"You better believe it," she replied. "After this summer I'd like to take my husband, the kids and my mother-in-law and put them all on a slow boat to Zanzibar."

"I guess this is the claim that got people upset. Is Robertson right when he says ERA supporters want to kill their children?"

"It depends on what day you ask us," she answered. "When the kids see murder in my eye, they stay away from me."

"Robertson says ERA supporters are against capitalism. Do you have anything to say to that?"

Myra said, "It's not true. My dream is to afford Elizabeth Taylor's hairdresser. I want all the money I can get. But I'm aware I'm not in a class with the reverend when it comes to raising it. All he has to do is wave his Bible at the TV camera and the money gushes into the studio."

"Now the last charge. Are you now, or have you ever been, a lesbian?"

"No, and neither has Robertson. I get so mad at ministers who preach against things they haven't ever tried."

"Well, I guess you don't fit the profile of an ERA supporter. Are you going to send Robertson any money?" I asked.

"I'll send him $100. I never know when Robertson is going to launch a Holy War. If I don't pay him off, he might declare that I am the Salman Rushdie of his Christian Coalition."

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