5 sports for the next Olympics

Jon Morgan

August 07, 1992|By Jon Morgan

EVERYBODY agrees the Olympics should be about tradition. But isn't it about time to update these sports?

It's easy to imagine a time when many of the events -- such as javelin throwing and archery -- tested skills useful in life. But few people feed their families by clobbering mastodons with a discus any more.

Why not introduce a few more, well, contemporary events? And I don't mean synchronized swimming. Here are my suggestions:

* The 100-centimeter Parallel Park. Contestants must successfully park a car in a spot only 100 centimeters bigger than the vehicle. Points are deducted for New York-style bumping.

* The Synchronized Hand Grab and Pump. Democracy seems to be spreading around the globe making this event even more useful for youngsters interested in political careers.

* Precision Sponsor Switch. Contestants must change into five sets of athletic shoes and name-brand running suits, posing in between for fashion photographer. Scoring based on style, speed and quality of photograph.

* The 1,000-meter Run and Remote. Athletes run 1,000 meters, drop onto a couch and program 10 programs into a VCR. Tests endurance, hand-eye coordination and the ability to perform intricate tasks after strenuous exertion.

* Team Accusations. Men and women teams of five compete in a simulated press conference to accuse other countries of using performance-enhancing drugs, unnecessary roughness, professional status or other current or former disqualifying behavior. Points deducted for gratuitous jingoism and profanity.

Jon Morgan is an Olympian reporter for The Sun and The

Evening Sun.

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