HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH? -- Recent study by New England Journal of Medicine indicates repeated viewing of dopey McDonald's crab cake sandwich commercial, featuring annoying mute franchise manager mugging in sunglasses, causes cancer in laboratory animals.
DREAM TEAM UPDATE -- Dreamers squeaked by Lithuania 522-15. Game was delayed briefly when all five American starters remained on bench scanning fine print of their Olympic agreements for additional endorsement opportunities. Resident head case Charles Barkley, finally gagged and placed in straitjacket by coach Chuck Daly, was held to 18 points.
Next opponent: Terrific Tots program, Alexandria, Va.
LOOK-ALIKES -- Carl Lewis-Lena Horne, Larry Bird-Frank Perdue, Mary Lou Retton-Ernie from "Sesame Street."
WHAT'D HE SAY? -- NBC spokesman confirmed that ultra-excitable tennis commentator Bud Collins has elected to forgo his regular doses of Thorazine. Network's switchboard has been flooded with hundreds of calls from concerned viewers wondering if veteran announcer is victim of demonic possession.
Each weekday through the end of the Olympics, humor columnist Kevin Cowherd will provide news and views about the games -- as seen from his sofa.