DREAM TEAM UPDATE -- USA edges Puerto Rico 345-19 despite controversial last-minute tactic of opposing coach, who called out to referees "next basket wins, OK?"
Future Hoodlums of America (FHA) inductee Charles Barkley involved in shoving match with P.R. forward Luiz Gomez, accusing Gomez, an asthmatic, of "breathing funny."
LOOK ALIKES -- Lena Horne-Carl Lewis, Larry Bird-Frank Perdue, Mary Lou Retton-Ernie from "Sesame Street."
BAD LUCK -- USA's Scott Maslett disqualified from table tennis finals after ball hit lit Marlboro he had left on edge of table between points. Finals are being held in wood-paneled basement of Barcelona home, although several competitors claim Bud Light sign and velvet Elvis paintings are "too distracting."
YOU READ IT HERE FIRST -- Not to be outdone by spectacular archery feat that ignited Olympic flame, officials for '96 Games in Atlanta say their flame will be lit by man shot out of a cannon, most likely annoying talk show host Regis Philbin.
NO MORE DECAF -- Tragedy was narrowly averted when entire Canadian synchronized swim team apparently dozed off in mid-routine and was found at bottom of pool. Team was revived by paramedics.
NEW FROM MATTEL -- Success of badminton has Olympic officials considering lawn darts as next demonstration sport, with horseshoes another possibility.
Each weekday through the end of the Olympics, humor columnist Kevin Cowherd will provide news and views about the games -- as seen from his sofa.