Dog Days

ANDREI CODRESCU

August 03, 1992|By ANDREI CODRESCU

New Orleans. -- I don't know what dogs do elsewhere in the dog days of summer, but here they just lie down and melt in furry puddles that bite when you step on them. Even police dogs are out of commission right now, so the police are training pigs to do dogs' jobs. A narcotics-sniffing Vietnamese pot-bellied pig named Tootsie and her porcine partner, Baby Doll, were introduced by the New Orleans police to the press.

At approximately the same time, a police surveillance team sans pig swooped down on two lovers smooching over a parking meter. When the lovers unclasped they clinked something fierce and all the coins in the meter spilled. Apparently, the Kiss and Steal couple had been ripping off meters for years by kissing over them.

A parking meter as an aid to passion is not a bad idea, but now it turns out that erections don't depend on passion but on nitric acid. Researchers at Hopkins isolated this chemical that causes erections in both males and females. The rats injected with this nitric acid all got erections. The next step, I suppose, is to try this acid on something larger like, let's say, narcotics-sniffing pigs. This would make press conferences in the dog days a lot more entertaining.

Meanwhile, local farmers are pinning all their hopes on ostriches: large, broom-like creatures that weigh as much as a pig and can be turned into earrings, nose rings and emu-burgers. They lay eggs like crazy and they taste like beef, which puts an end, I suppose, to the fact that all weird things until now tasted like chicken.

Ostriches, whose necks look like major erections, have no idea ++ that they are the next other white meat. But that's evolution. Pigs get jobs sniffing drugs. Rats get erections. Cops get their meters out of lovers' arms. Americans pin their hopes on ostriches. Dogs just wanna lie there and die. Dog days of summer. And there are more of them ahead.

Andrei Codrescu is editor of Exquisite Corpse.

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