Dave For President

TO WIT

July 12, 1992|By DAVE BARRY

The current political situation can best be summed up by the words of Abraham Lincoln, who once said (I believe on Larry King's show): "You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but if you nominate George Bush and Bill Clinton, the people will barf on your shoes."

As usual, Lincoln was right. The people are not happy with President Bush, despite his efforts to be the Education President, the Foreign Affairs President, the Domestic Affairs President, the Environment President, the Whatever You Want President, and the President Who Communicates Via Sentence Fragments. The people are saying: "Hey, George, we want you to be the Ex President."

Meanwhile the Democrats, who are sick and tired of finishing second, have figured out a way to come in third. Their man is Bill Clinton, whose most memorable public appearance was when, in an effort to regain credibility, he told Arsenio Hall that he really did try to inhale. Now there's an inspiring campaign slogan for you:

Bill Clinton: "He Really Tried to Inhale."

The time is right for an unprecedented new force in politics. I refer, of course, to myself. Also Ross Perot. We are both "outsiders" running for president, and the amazing thing about us is -- get ready for an astounding coincidence -- we hold the JTC same views on everything. Ross and I think so much alike that, in an effort to save vital paper resources, we have agreed to simply share the same set of views, which are locked in a safe in Ross' office, along with color photos of the entire Bush Cabinet naked.

Another area in which Ross and I are very similar is campaign financing. He is willing to spend $100 million of his money to get elected; I am also willing to spend $100 million of his money to get elected. More, if necessary.

Yet another amazing similarity between Ross and myself concerns our views on adultery. Neither of us thinks it has any place in the Oval Office.

"You adulterers get out of this office!" I would tell them in no uncertain terms. "Use the Lincoln bedroom!"

Also, Ross never used drugs, and although I may have had syringes in my arm a few dozen times, I never pushed the plunger.

Some of you might be saying: "But Dave, if you and Ross are so much alike, why should we vote for you, when he has important qualities that you lack, such as honesty, integrity and no criminal record?"

True. But Ross also has a major drawback, namely, stature. And it does not help that he apparently gets his hair cut for free at the School for Hyperactive Children With Power Hedge Trimmers. The result is that, when you see him, you are seized by the playful urge to get him in a headlock and give him a good-natured "noogie," just to let him know that you like him both as a person and as a billionaire. This could lead to embarrassing situations at summit conferences:

Ross Perot: . . . and so I am calling upon all of my fellow world leaders to . . . Hey! (noogie noogie) C'mon you guys! (noogie noogie) Put me down! (noogie noogie) Not in the punch bowl!!

You are saying, "Dave, I can see where you come out ahead of Ross in the stature department, but what about family values, meaning television?"

On this issue, I agree 110 percent with Vice President Dan Quayle. I am opposed to television. I never watch it. When "Knots Landing" is on, I wrap my body in aluminum foil to prevent broadcast rays from entering my body. And of course I do not allow my children to watch television.

"Children!" I am constantly telling them. "Don't waste your mind on television! Do what I do! Read a book by a famous dead author such as Marcel Proust!"

"You're not reading any Marcel Proust," they reply. "You're watching a slow-motion videotape of the Thighmaster commercial featuring Suzanne Somers. Also you have only one child."

This is exactly the kind of breakdown of respect for parental authority and family values that makes the vice president and me get so mad at television. This is why I am asking for your support, not just in the form of money, but also in the form of jewelry. Act now, while we still have some Cabinet posts available. Thighmaster general is taken.

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