Candidate addresses burnt toast, baldness and burnout

Mike Royko

July 07, 1992|By Mike Royko | Mike Royko,Tribune Media Services

"Welcome to another in our series of electronic town meetings with presidential candidates. We will be taking questions from members of our studio audience and at our affiliate stations around the country. Let us begin with the first question."

"Thank you. My name is John, and I am gay. My question is this: If you are elected president, will you become gay? And if not, why not?"

"That is a very good question, John. At the present time, I have no plans to become gay. It is not that I disapprove of gayety. However, I believe that as president my first priority should be to get this country moving again. As you know, I am married. And I would like you to know that I have discussed this with my wife, and she has said that if I should become gay, she will be supportive of my gayety, as well as yours."

"The next question will come from our Chicago affiliate."

"Uh, my name is Harriet. I have six children, and they refuse to eat their breakfasts or do their homework or clean up after themselves or take out the garbage, and they get in fights over what to watch on TV. It makes my life very difficult. If you are elected president, what will you do about this, because I am running out of patience?"

"Yes, that is a serious problem, and I have given it a great deal of thought. When I am elected president, I will come to your home and carry out the garbage and help your children with their homework. I will also make French toast for your children. I have found that children love my French toast for breakfast. And I will try to mediate an agreement on a TV program they can all enjoy."

"And now to our affiliate in Tampa."

"Hello, my name is Mary. Many of my friends have call waiting on their telephones, and I think it is really rude that when I am talking to them and another call comes in, they put me on hold and leave me there while they talk to the other person, and I don't even know who the other call was from or what they are talking about. I don't know what's happening to this great country of ours when your own friends put you on hold like that, and what will you do about it?"

"Yes, that is an issue I have been looking at. I believe we have the technology to make it possible for you to stay on the line and listen to what is being said and even to join in the conversation, and I will propose legislation that will require the telephone companies to make this service available to everyone free of charge."

"The next question comes from our studio audience."

"My name is Bill, and this morning when I combed my hair, I noticed a dozen hairs in my comb and I looked close and saw a tiny bald spot starting on the top of my hair. The thought of getting bald really bothers me. What is your program for that?"

"A fine question, Bill. As president, I will make finding a cure for baldness a top priority. I believe we have the scientific know-how to make it a fundamental right that every man, woman and child has a full head of hair, regardless of race, creed, sex or national origin, as the Founding Fathers intended, or why else would they have worn powdered wigs?"

"And we go to our affiliate in Toledo for our next question."

"My name is Lydia, and I believe in the right of a woman to have an abortion on demand. I would like to demand an abortion, but my boyfriend and I have not been able to get me pregnant, although we have tried repeatedly, so I haven't been able to have one. If you are elected president, what will you do about this?"

"Well, I hope that you will not be offended, but I believe in TC straight talk, so I will not mince words. I believe very much in individuals taking responsibility for their own actions. So I think that before we pass laws regarding your situation -- and I am very sympathetic -- you have a responsibility to try to resolve this problem by finding a new and capable boyfriend. Remember, individual initiative is what made this country great."

"And our final question comes from Los Angeles."

"Yeah, I'm Bob. Well, you know, there are times when I just don't feel good. Like I get up in the morning and go to my job and I think, what a drag. And I finish work and I hang out and I think, this is a drag, too. And I notice that a lot of people don't like me, and I don't care, because I don't like them, either. And the weekend comes and it's only two days long and you can't really do nothing in two days. I mean, you spend one day unwinding and the next getting ready to go back to the same drag. So how come weekends are only two days long, and what are you going to do about it?"

"An excellent question, Bob, and it deserves careful study. Meanwhile, would you consider being my running mate?"

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