It's really none of my business, but that pretty Stephanie Grimaldi got knocked up by her boyfriend, Dan Ducruet, who runs a fish business and drives a motorcycle.
And it's still none of my business, but Stephanie says she's going to have the kid, which is nice, and she and Dan are going to get married one of these days, which is also nice.
In the meantime, they are living together in Stephanie's flat. They are very happy and bill and coo, and Dan gives Stephanie a pat and fondly says: "A baby is going to emerge from that lovely belly."
Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Dan is still paying support for a baby he had with Martine, who was his girlfriend until he started going out with Stephanie. Which is none of my business.
So if it is none of my business, why am I telling you about Stephanie and Dan, since it's none of your business, either?
Well, I normally don't gossip about such matters. That is the role of those intellectual journals you find in your supermarket.
But I have made an exception because Stephanie and Dan want everybody to know about her little tummy and how they met and what her father thinks and that they will have a quiet wedding and that Stephanie is ready to settle down and be a good mom. (She hopes it will be a boy baby. For Dan.)
And if you read People magazine, you already know about it because Stephanie and Dan are shown hugging on the cover. And the headline says:
"Princess Stephanie Single, Royal and Pregnant.
"Princess Grace's wild child talks about her new love, former bodyguard Daniel Ducruet, and the baby they expect in November. 'I'm ready,' she says. 'I have become much more responsible.' "
That's just the cover. Inside, you really get the full story, with posed pictures on the beach, on the motorcycle and on the couch, and the whole story of their romance, from their first torrid glances to the third month of pregnancy.
And you probably know that Stephanie's pop is Prince Rainier, the porky potentate of Monaco, the tiny country that has the big gambling joint. And that many years ago he married Grace Kelly, the movie star, and made her the princess of Monaco. And they had Princess Caroline and Prince Albert and Princess Stephanie.
Now Stephanie, who used to be a wild thing, is all grown up and pregnant.
Which is none of my business, except that People magazine keeps sending me free copies, so I couldn't help but notice Stephanie's condition.
Being an agreeable sort, I figured that if she wants everybody to know, I would pass the word along.
The only thing I don't understand is why Stephanie wants everybody to know. Not that there is anything shocking about her condition, since it's not uncommon for single ladies to get pregnant these days, despite Dan Quayle urging them to keep their legs crossed.
I mean, did Stephanie really have to tell all to People magazine? Did she and Dan have to put on bathing suits and trot down to the beach to be photographed with him patting her protruding tummy?
Not if she didn't want to. Remember, her old man is big heat in Monaco. He's the prince, the number uno mustachio, the Big Slot Machine himself.
So if a reporter for People came nosing around, all Stephanie had to do was call the local fuzz. And they would have done their duty and told the reporter: "Hey, the prince, who is our royal ruler, don't want you bothering Stephanie and Dan, so buzz off or we will take you to the nearest border, which is only a block and a half away, and deport you."
In this country, there are many single girls with names like Stephanie Grimaldi. And if one of them became pregnant and a reporter for People showed up at the door, most of those Stephanies would call their older brothers, Anthony, Rocco and Big Sal, who would play boccie ball with the reporter, using the reporter as the ball. That's because they have a keen sense of what the public has a right to know.
But as I said, Stephanie wants us to know all about her tummy, and what a hunk Dan is, and how he has risen from being a bodyguard to running a fish business. The lad has a future, what with everybody watching their cholesterol.
So now we know. But the one thing I would like to know isn't in the story: Why does Stephanie want us to know?
There she is, pregnant way over there in Monaco, so why does she want some stranger in Tacoma or Peoria to know about it?
I can understand her calling the prince and saying: "Daddy, guess what? You are going to be a grandpa again. No, don't worry, he'll marry me. If he doesn't, you can put him in the royal dungeon. Calm down, Daddy. He's in the fish business. Yes, that's what I said. But Daddy, you love poached salmon."
But why tell us? Isn't it enough that The Donald and Ivana tell us everything? How much information does a well-informed public need?
Anyway, I hope Stephanie and Dan are happy and that the baby isn't a night crier.
And most of all, I hope this is the last we hear of them. But I know it won't be.
The baby is due in November. By January, Stephanie will be telling us about her stretch marks.