Pieces of column too short to use:
This week's rumor-fix for political junkies . . . Ross Perot considers former U.N. ambassador Jeane Kirkpatrick a possible vice-presidential running mate. This comes from a stalwart Maryland Republican -- is there any other kind? -- who has indulged in Kirkpatrick Konjecture before.
Elements of the Maryland GOP wanted to see her run for the U.S. Senate; she was mentioned as vice-presidential material in the 1980s. Still, what a concept! Boss Ross and Mean Jeane -- talk about your kick-butt tag teams.
How's this for a campaign slogan: "Not just a ticket. An attitude."
A Perot-Kirkpatrick alliance might seem off-the-wall, but something about it sticks. Something about it makes sense. Imagine these two strong personalities -- both brilliant, both ballistic -- joined in a campaign for the White House.
Politically, Perot-Kirkpatrick is an unconventional weapon of uncertain potential. But they'd be a lock for an Emmy. Imagine the televised debate between Perot and G. Bush. Or, better yet, Kirkpatrick and D. Quayle.
Kick off the ol' combat boots . . . About 10 military couples and families joined the Eastern Sunbathing Association Saturday at Pine Tree Family Nudist Park in Crownsville for "Armed Forces Recognition Weekend."
It was the second annual gathering, an effort, says Bill Pacer, information officer for the nudist organization, "to recognize our men and women in uniform." And, weather permitting, out of uniform, too.
Sign of spring . . . Lisa Wiseman, assistant manager of a fast-food restaurant in Towson, did the good deed of giving an employee a ride home in the wee small hours of a morning last week. Her employee lived in East Baltimore. So, about 3:30 a.m., Lisa found herself at North and Greenmount avenues.
While waiting in her car on the traffic light, Lisa noticed a strange man in a dark coat standing at the corner, clutching a blue plastic bag.
The man spotted Lisa. He started walking toward her car.
Lisa locked her door and hoped for the light to change.
The man stopped by the driver's side window. He motioned to Lisa. He reached into the plastic bag.
Lisa considered bolting through the red light.
The man pulled his hand from the bag. Lisa looked. It was a brand-new, lime-green garden hose!
"You wanna buy it?" the man asked.
And we still don't know how much the guy wanted for the hose.
Traffic Court, Baltimore City, Judge David Young presiding . . . The defendant is charged with speeding and driving with a suspended license. He is 23 years old, but, in the judge's view, has not yet "made the leap from boyhood to manhood."
Too many unpaid fines. Too many parking tickets. And too many lame excuses.
"You're a man, an adult," Young tells the defendant. "You have to learn to make good choices. If you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life explaining acts of irresponsibility.
"You now are going to have five points on your driving record. When you go to get auto insurance, the insurance company is going to lick its chops."
It's time to straighten up, Young says. "Stop making bad excuses."
The defendant's car had been clocked at 75 miles an hour on Interstate 95. "And," says Young, "you still haven't told me why you were going that fast."
The defendant, apparently unprepared to make the leap from bad excuses to good choices, says: "See, I was coming back from Atlantic City with some friends, and I had had surgery, and I had muscle spasms in my leg that made me push down on the accelerator."
Prenuptial disagreements . . . I hope Saturday's wedding of Jeff Daniels and Antoinette "Toni" Cina went off smoothly because, quite frankly, folks, the week leading up to it was not exactly charming.
Last Monday, Toni's sister, Mary Chalewski, was mowing the lawn at her house in Timonium, when she slipped on fallen cherry blossoms, hit an incline by her neighbor's driveway and broke her left ankle. Mary, who was was supposed to have been matron of honor, went on the disabled list.
Next night, while Jeff and Toni ran a test cycle in the washing machine at their newlywed home, water gushed out of a pipe and a toilet in the basement. As the couple tried to stop the flooding and keep some furniture from getting wet, Toni stubbed and broke a toe.
Thursday, two things happened: The mother of the flower girls had to have an emergency appendectomy, and Jeff, a deliveryman, crash-landed when a ramp snapped off the rear of his truck as he was attempting to wheel a load of goods to a customer. Jeff escaped injury.
But, of course, the wrong cummerbund and bow tie came with his tuxedo Friday.
And one of the ushers got stuck on business in Canada and couldn't get back for the wedding.
But don't worry. Apparently, everything went beautifully on Saturday, though I can't say for sure. See, I asked Jeff to report back to me yesterday from his honeymoon in Florida but, for some reason, I haven't heard from the guy.
I hope he's OK.