It's sure to be a left hand guiding the nation's helm

ROGER SIMON

May 11, 1992|By ROGER SIMON

Simon says:

I do not understand how pioneers built this country without fax machines.*

How come you always spill on yourself on the flight out and never on the flight back?

*

George Bush, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, Ollie North and I are all left-handed. This assures a left-handed presidency through at least the year 2000.

*

I don't care how many copies it sold, there is a huge plot flaw in The Firm."

*

My worst nightmare might come true: This may be the year the Orioles and White Sox face each other for the American League pennant. And I may have to put my emotions in a blind trust.

*

I think sock patterns for men have gone about as far as they can (Though fishnets are always a possibility.)

*

The more popular non-alcoholic beer becomes, the more highway lives we will save.

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I'll know that buttoning the top button of your shirt and not wearing a tie has finally gone out of style when George Will starts doing it.

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No man can walk through Victoria's Secret without embarrassment.

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Another million-dollar idea I'm giving away for free: Velcro toupees.

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You know your kid is not getting a good education if he is allowed to wear a baseball cap in class.

Is Johnny Carson gone yet? How long is he going to drag this out?

*

If you're wondering why John Goodman throws kind of funny in The Babe," it's because Goodman is a righty and Babe Ruth was a lefty. And that meant Goodman had to spend months learning to throw the other way. (Batting is much easier to fake.)

*

I have no idea what Martinizing is, but I like the fact that it takes only an hour.

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If we can patch things up with Russia, I think Simon can patch things up with Garfunkel.

*

C1

Should smoking jackets carry warning labels?

Kids who go around dressed all in black aren't nearly as depressed as they'd like us to think.

*

Who would have thought that "Civil Wars" would turn into one of the best shows on television?

*

Hottest plane ticket in journalism: From Little Rock to Dallas, as reporters abandon digging up dirt on Clinton and begin digging up dirt on Perot.

*

David Letterman is right: Our using NBA players in the Olympics a sign of how insecure America has become. We're so terrified that we won't get a gold medal in basketball, that we have to make it a sure thing.

*

Why do the prices on the inside of hotel room doors bear no resemblance to reality?

*

My wife and I are in a restaurant full of prom kids and a number the girls are wearing strapless, low-cut dresses.

"Would your mother have let you wear that to the prom?" I ask my wife.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "My mother wouldn't let me wear that now."

*

If Mikhail Gorbachev wants to play it smart, he would get himself Roy Rogers franchise.

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Doesn't it drive you crazy when someone stands there with an envelope in his hand trying to guess who sent it instead of just opening it and finding out?

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R Never buy a hat on vacation that you would not buy at home.

What earrings are to women, ties are to men: You own dozens, but you keep wearing the same three or four.

*

On the airline of life, do you seem always to get stuck with the middle seat?

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