The dumbest no-turn-on-red light in town faces southbound...

Salmagundi

May 07, 1992

The dumbest no-turn-on-red light in town faces southbound Guilford Avenue at Monument Street, behind the Downtown Raquet Club.

Since Monument ends at that point (the Jones Falls Expressway cuts it off), and since Guilford is one-way southbound, there can't possibly be interference with vehicles turning right into Monument. The sign ought to read: "Right turn permitted without stopping."

* * *

The Procrastinators Club of America made its first endorsement April 24, picking James Buchanan for president.

The fact that Buchanan has been dead for nearly 124 years was no handicap, club President Les Waas told reporters in Philadelphia.

"Only live politicians cause deficits, high taxes, wars, et cetera, or get perks," he said.

Mr. Waas said the two members of the club's Political Inaction Committee agreed James Buchanan was today's best presidential candidate because he served four full years, from 1857 to 1861, never avoided military service and volunteered for duty in the War of 1812.

"Regarding the environment, only one oil well was drilled during his administration -- the first one ever drilled, actually," Mr. Waas said.

He said President Buchanan imposed no income taxes, had never heard of Israel, took no sides on the abortion issue, never inhaled marijuana and "has always been pro-union, especially during the Civil War." And he might have added, no rumors of infidelity surfaced.

Mr. Waas said Buchanan ran the whole country on $300 million, "the approximate amount currently in H. Ross Perot's petty cash drawer."

Unusually for the Procrastinators, they got their endorsement out on time -- four days before the Pennsylvania primary.

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