Abstinence is the sole foolproof choice

SINGLE FILE

April 26, 1992|By SUSAN DEITZ | SUSAN DEITZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: Why do many men absolutely refuse to use condoms even with the threat of AIDS? They say they are a turn-off, that they cannot stay excited wearing one, that they don't fit properly, all sorts of excuses for not wearing one.

A: Stimulation is lessened when a condom is in place, but not to the point of zero! Most of the refusals have more to do with male pride/ego than actual fact. And then, of course, there is always the lingering thought that AIDS happens to the other guy, the homosexual, the drug user. It can't happen to me. Well, Magic Johnson disproved those myths and is speaking out for condoms and abstinence, using himself as living proof that AIDS can happen to anyone -- anyone at all. There is no such thing as "safe sex" between people who are not monogamous and are ignorant of their own 10-year sexual history.

Abstinence is the only foolproof choice. That can be more realistic and reasonable than you believe. And it certainly takes the "fool" out of the word, leaving only "proof" positive that your body is HIV-negative.

Q: Having read in Single File most of the comments from both males and females on the do's and don'ts of the dating game, I feel compelled to add my thoughts.

First, let me say that I'm a very attractive woman inside and out; I'm a single, full-time working mother of two wonderful teen-agers. And when I say attractive and wonderful, I mean it. I am 50 years old, am self-supporting, own two homes, am quite capable of making all the decisions around here. I am a good cook, mother and potential soul mate to an equally appealing man aged 40-60. In addition, I'm a flight attendant of almost 30 years, have seen the world and some of what is in it.

My observation: A man looks at me, thinks: great bod, smile, eyes, hair, even great legs, probably dynamite in bed too. Most likely sleeps with pilots, savvy characters, wealthy cranky guys, etc., hops bars. Nothing could be further from the truth. The last sexual relationship was back in the '80s. He told me he was getting married to a plain Jane -- because men wouldn't take a second look at her. I crawled inside myself, I felt so bad.

I have answered ads, but none asking for a photo. Something about my likeness being handled by strangers, even on paper, makes my skin crawl. I have had dates with men who took the time to call without a demand for a photo.

Among them was the very attractive gentleman with loose dentures, hairpiece, polished nails, teen-age garb on flabby skin. And the teddy bear, nice guy, just too much in the way of obesity. A Mafioso, too, but he had herpes, he said.

So, just where are these men who are uninhibited by a strong female yet a softie under all of it? Where is the shoulder I need? Why am I alone?

A: You are currently without romance, but that does not equate with alone. Friends, family, co-workers can fill emotional gaps at times, but the company of a man feels entirely different and awakens some spark in you. But he must be someone right for you, and you might be imposing too many limitations for him to appear. For example, why don't you place your own ad, saying exactly what you want; being the one receiving the calls is a different experience from making them. And I wonder if you are genuinely involved in the rest of your life, joining clubs and classes that feed your interest; the richer your life, the better your odds of meeting that good man.

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