Ad-vice Is Not What She Believes

April 26, 1992|By Jean Marbella | Jean Marbella,Staff Writer

I believe . . . the women you see in ads today are as unreal as the ones who used to worry about ring-around-the-collar or wax build-up on their floors.

I believe . . . there is an athlete in all of us the way I believe there's a Betty Crocker in all of us.

I believe . . . if fitness expert Cynthia Kerlick ever tried to engage me in aerobics in the dairy aisle, I would walk quietly but quickly the other way.

I believe . . . I will hate that woman, but not because she is beautiful.

I believe . . . sweat isn't all that sexy, but then, neither are those non-sweating, inflatable dolls posing as the Swedish Bikini Team.

I believe . . . the Taster's Choice woman should dump that smirky neighbor of hers and get a cappuccino machine instead.

I believe . . . that if you could really play basketball in those high-heeled pumps, Michael Jordan would be selling them.

I believe . . . "babe" may indeed be a four-letter word, but aren't some of those running, biking and exercising women in the ad chasing after a bit of babe-dom themselves?

I believe . . . nothing beats a great pair of legs, but picking the right parents rather than the right pantyhose is how you get them. I believe . . . the presidential candidate with the black bra peeking out of her pinstriped suit in the Donna Karan ads could give the current crop of real candidates a run for their money.

I believe . . . that when I'm 70 years old, I'll want to just sit a bit, thank you.

I believe . . . I'd like to slap that mother who tells her young daughter, eating some syrup-doused pancakes, that Mommy didn't keep her figure trim all these years by eating stuff like that.

I believe . . . Revlon's most unforgettable women should forget maybe four of the seven layers of makeup they appear to be wearing.

I believe . . . the Energizer bunny should zap that "feminine product" commercial where the woman says she had to tie her boyfriend's sweater around her waist.

I believe . . . the woman who says liposuction isn't the answer never had a real reason to ask the question.

I believe . . . all those cigarette ads in women's magazines with hyper-skinny models are almost as bad as those billboard ads with black drinkers that appear only in inner cities.

I believe . . . maybe it is the Maybelline. But then again, maybe not.

I believe . . . I should be embarrassed that I can name more of the reigning supermodels than the reigning leaders of the industrial world.

I believe . . . that woman isn't really so happy that all her husband's doing for her birthday is shampooing her hair.

I believe . . . the calories you eat on vacation do count, but to whom?

I believe . . . I'd get a Thighmaster if I could be sure no one saw me buying or using it.

I believe . . . the new domesticity in the perfume ads is as bogus as the old hedonism of a couple years back.

I believe . . . that the diet plan that gives you a dollar for every pound you lose should threaten to take back a dollar for every one you gain back.

I believe . . . the reason the women in the Victoria's Secret ads never make it out of bed is that their lacy, strap-and-snap lingerie constricts their breathing and makes them woozy.

I believe . . . the thinner the air gets, the sooner you should consider coming back down already.

I believe . . . it's probably just as likely that the right makeup will turn average women into models as the right beer will turn average men into studly babe-magnets.

I believe . . . that Kraft mayonnaise waitress needs to get a life, or at least some Grey Poupon.

I believe . . . high-powered sneakers are used as advertised as often as four-wheel drive vehicles are taken up actual mountain tops or pints of ice cream are eaten in recommended serving sizes.

I believe . . . if life is so short, maybe we shouldn't waste it by playing so hard.

I believe . . . no one really has a dinner party, gets everyone to dress up, has them help out and dance goofily in the kitchen, only to serve spaghetti with sauce from a jar.

I believe . . . those Guess? girls are a bit too Lolita-like for comfort.

I believe . . . those perfumes that stink up magazines lose as many customers as they gain.

I believe . . . there's nothing wrong with the Slim Fast way of life that Mrs. Smith couldn't fix with one of her apple pies.

I believe . . . real mothers and daughters talk about "freshness" as often as fathers and sons talk about cookie recipes.

I believe . . . women need more than a good pair of Reeboks to get to where they need to go.

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