Schaefergrams Gabbing About The Guv

April 12, 1992

WE ASKED FOR IT, AND WE GOT IT.

A torrent of mail stuffed with prose and poetry about, against, in support of and in the voice of our one-of-a-kind governor, William Donald Schaefer.

Back in February, we published some puckish poems written in the style of the guv, and asked our readers to send in more of the same.

From near and far, we received funny stuff, fanciful stuff and farcical stuff.

What follows is only a sampling of the best, balanced to include odes from the pro-Schaeferites, sonnets from the anti-Schaeferites and words from the careful readers who actually followed the instruction to write something in the voice of William Donald Schaefer.

TO THE MARYLAND TAXPAYER

I wish you'd get it through your heads

That I'm the Head of State.

You must sit still and shut your mouths,

Obey and love, not hate.

You'll learn to jump to my commands,

My judgment never question.

Not citizens but serfs are you,

And serfs don't make suggestions.

I've ruled so long and spent your bucks

For projects that you need:

Light rail, ballparks and fountains,

So what if voters bleed?

Just hold this thought, you residents,

Opinions do not count.

Until I run for President,

Just pay the right amount!

E. Roberts

Lutherville

FROM THE GUV TO MY PUBLIC

Everyone pokes fun at me

In poems, the press or on TV

But let me tell you, I'm not so bad

I'm the best Mayor the city ever had

Now just you wait a little while

This Guv will go out in style

The next time you hear of me

I'll be sitting in good ole D.C.

Betty Kuhns

Bel Air

TO MARYLAND VOTERS

I'm tired of hearing your complaints

Re: my extravagance

The new dug gardens, yacht and trips

Our joie de vivre enhances.

My paltry salary is too low

It's hard to make ends meet

You Marylanders don't understand

The cost to be elite.

I only order upgrades on

What rightfully is mine,

So shut your traps, complain no more

I need to whine and dine.

Debbie Hilliard

Westminster

BOUT THE GUV

You are sweet

and you are sassy

You tell em like it is.

You take the heat

and beat it

Cause that's your biz.

You can't do this

You can't do that

It's called picking on the Guv.

I notice not your faults,

my Dear.

So this one's full of Luv.

Vivian Lauer

Dundalk

TO HIMSELF

I'm so sick of this place.

I just want to go home.

Spend the summers in O.C.

Then head back to the dome.

Want to swim with the seals.

Want my rubber duck back.

What's this feeling I feel?

Hey! Think I'll take a crack!

Get my old Baltimore

Back the way it should be.

Need those smiles and hellos.

From my constituency.

I can feel my heart pound.

Gosh, I've got just the thing!

Watch out, Kurt, my friend,

Willy Don's in the ring!!!

Susan E. DiVenti

Baltimore

TO ELI JACOBS

Eli, Eli, why oh why,

Was it so hard for you to see,

That all you had to do,

Was agree with me?

Eli, Eli, why oh why,

Did you choose a name so stark?

It wasn't bright, it' wasn't right,

to call it Oriole Park.

Eli, Eli, why oh why,

Would it have been so hard,

To use your brain, choose my name

and call it Camden Yards?

Eli, Eli, why oh why,

I hope it's only hearsay,

That you don't care about us here,

Just like Robert Irsay.

Larry Ronis

Randallstown

THE TAX MAN COMETH

There once was a governor named Schaefer

Who spent more than he could payfer

By raising the taxes and swinging the axes

We are now in a shape you should prayfer.

Margaret L. MacLaughlin

Cambridge

THE GUV

We are blessed with a man who likes to rule,

In a striped bathing suit, he dips in a pool.

With his Mae West vest and his rubber ducky,

He governs this state, God aren't we lucky.

Our governor on TV is a spectacular success,

He lectures the voters and has our economy a mess.

He will have his way or go into a pout,

He will take pictures of you and mail them out.

Just remember, three more years we have to endure,

Before our "Guv" becomes the Mayor of Baltimore.

Charles R. Morris

Severn

THE CRUELEST MONTH

Pay your Merlin income tax!

Just scrape it up and send it.

And then don't write or call or fax.

Trust me -- I can spend it.

Benjamin Collins

Catonsville

TO MR. ELI JACOBS

You thought to call it "Oriole Park" --

The name you thought was best,

But Maryland wanted "Camden Yards,"

Much urged at my request.

The fans grew anxious waiting for

The name that I would choose,

And truthfully, I think they hoped

That "Oriole Park" would lose.

You forced me into compromise

But now things are just fine --

For as you drive up 95

Guess which name's on the sign!

Amanda Marlowe

Baltimore

TO THE BIG NEWS STAND ON CALVERT STREET

You press your luck with each edition.

There's nothing better to wrap fish in.

With so much hot news that's fit to print,

You still stick to me like sweat pants lint.

I'm analyzed by amateur Freud

Who should be writing yellow tabloid.

I'm budget badgered with free advice.

(I see your paper's gone up in price.)

Nit-picking columns -- venom riddled --

Conspired to keep this Donald diddled.

Please, spare some trees that feed your pages;

Just cover news breaks, not my rages.

I find your typos most appalling.

Try journalese; quit caterwauling.

Rae Rossen

Randallstown

UNSINKABLE

Who needs it? I say --

this listing ship of state.

Watch! When I jump, twill

meet a terrible fate.

Like the Titanic

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